Ep #172: Holding Space for Non-Returning Teachers

Hello empowered principles. Welcome to episode 172.

Welcome to The Empowered Principal Podcast, a not so typical educational resource that will teach you how to gain control of your career and get emotionally fit to lead your school and your life with joy by refining your most powerful tool, your mind. Here’s your host certified life coach Angela Kelly Robeck.

Hello my empowered principals. How are you? Happy Tuesday. I’m so happy to be here with you guys today. If you’re new to the podcast, welcome. You guys, this podcast is everything. I want to ask that you share it with your colleagues. Don’t keep all the goodness for yourself. This week, this month, we are talking about all things HR. I’m specifically referring to getting hired as a principal.

Today we’re going to talk about holding space for non-returning teachers, which is a big one. I’m coaching a lot of clients on this concept. It’s a very interesting concept because it’s different than any other industry that I’m aware of. Where we’re in this space where when we’re school leaders, we have to let somebody know that they’re not coming back. But that person doesn’t actually leave for two or three or four months. That’s crazy.

It’s different than when you’re in corporate and you’re told you’re not coming back. You either are given two week’s notice or you just have to go. I don’t know how they do it in corporate. I’ve never worked in corporate. It doesn’t sound like there is a lot of time between the time you get told and the time you leave.

In education, it’s different. School leaders out there are having to make decisions about staffing in February or March, letting people know, and then having to be their boss and lead your school and hear all the drama that’s going on on campus when people know somebody has been non-renewed. Somebody’s not returning. Somebody is moving to another school. Whatever the decisions are. You have to be able to navigate that space between the time people find out to the time the school year ends. A lot can come up in that time.

So this month we’re talking about hiring, firing, letting go, holding space, and then onboarding and attracting your best teachers. So today we’re going to talk about holding space. This is a big one. If you are a principal who has to let somebody go or you know somebody who’s going through the process, I want you to please share the podcast with them. Thank you so much for that.

This podcast, I create this content. I give you guys my best stuff, and I do this because I know the value of it. I know the struggle behind it. I understand how painful it can be. I want you to get out of the river of misery as quickly as possible.

The other beautiful thing about learning these concepts is that your experience of school leadership will be completely different. My experience was extremely painful, extremely intense. I didn’t have this type of resource to support me through it. But now that it’s available, share the wealth and share the love. Okay? Thank you so much for doing that.

Another way that you can share the love and wealth is to give the podcast a five-star review. Because the more reviews it has, the more stars that it has, the more it’s out there to all the people and the more people realize, “Hey, this is content that might help me too.” So please help your fellow colleague. Help your peers out there who are leading schools. Let them know we’ve got some love for them right here. We’ve got support. We’ve got their back.

Okay. Let’s dive in to holding space for non-returning teachers. This is not easy, and it’s not fun. It’s a hard part of school leadership. So if you are a brand-new leader and this is the first time that you are doing this, let me reassure you. If you are feeling uncomfortable, that’s normal. That’s expected.

I know when I was a teacher, I’d never feared losing my job because I showed up 100% and I believed in myself. I took the feedback, did what I needed to do to be the best teacher version of me. I never really feared for myself, but I knew that even if something came up and I was let go that I would be able to go find another job somewhere else. I would take care of myself. I never really had that fear.

But I did feel a lot of compassion for teachers who I saw struggle all year long. Perhaps they couldn’t get classroom management under control or they didn’t know how to develop a lesson, or they struggled with parents. Something that was really painful, and I could feel for them. I was empathetic to their experience. As a staff member, it impacted me.

So I want you to keep that in mind as school leaders that letting somebody go on your campus, particularly somebody who people like and they don’t know the backstory. They don’t understand why it’s happening. Or, of course, they hear the one side. They hear the teacher’s version of it, which is always a little bit skewed, right. They don’t hear your side, and you don’t have the privilege of sharing your side. That’s not acceptable or allowed or even appropriate.

You have to have the capacity, the emotional resilience, the emotional wellbeing, and the mental capacity to—This is what we call in the coaching industry holding space for people’s emotions. Allowing people to be upset or to not understand or feel confused or be angry or frustrated. And to let them be that way knowing that inside of your heart and your mind that you made a decision that was in the best interest of students, staff, family, community, and this person, this individual.

So let’s talk through this whole process and this whole time and space in education. So from now until the end of the year, there are people you have to let go. This is challenging for you because there will be a lot of judgement. The first step in helping you feel grounded in all of this is that you need to clean up your own thoughts about it. So if you’re working with a teacher, it’s not working out. They’re not a match for your school or your district. You need to get very clear on what the decision you want to make is, and why you’re making that decision.

I will say there are times when we try to talk ourselves out of the hard truth, which is we need to let this person go. You know deep down the decision that you want to make. You deep down know why you want to make it. I want to invite you to trust yourself, and to be sure to check in with yourself before finalizing this decision. Why am I letting this person go? What am I making that mean about them and myself? Then trust your decision.

It feels like so many clients have said this to me. “I feel like I’m ruining their career. I feel like I’m damaging them. I feel like I am breaking them because they’re new and they’re young and they tried so hard.” I want to offer this right off the bat that just because they aren’t a fit for your school or that particular position or your district even does not mean that they’re not a perfect fit somewhere else.

This experience for that teacher is happening for them. There is some reason, maybe it’s beyond your awareness or understanding. It’s happening for them. It’s for them to learn, for them to grow, for them to land in the right spot.

So just because you’re deciding that they aren’t a fit for you, you have to trust yourself and know that even though they’re not a match here, they’re going to be a match somewhere else. They are a good human. They’re a good person. They are meant to be somewhere in the world. Their spot is waiting for them. You are gracefully releasing them so that they can be free to go to that spot.

Does it mean it’s drama free? Absolutely not. But you’ve got to get clear in your mind about why you’re letting them go and that you are not breaking them or ruining them. That you are releasing them to be able to find the fit that’s right for them.

So a good rule of thumb when you’re making this decision is to let them go based on your leadership values and your school vision. You want people to be aligned to what’s happening at that school. When a teacher has been struggling, there is typically a reason why.

Perhaps it’s classroom management. And one of your school values and your personal value as a leader is that kids are in safe, consistent calm environments for learning. That they feel safe physically, mentally, emotionally. That there is a structure to the day so that they can feel those boundaries. They feel safe confined within those boundaries of a really structured classroom and a really calm, warm, inviting, welcoming classroom.

Or perhaps somebody is really good at classroom management in terms of structure and systems, but their energy is let’s say toxic. A lot of people use the word toxic. You feel that their energy is not a best fit for the grade level team or the PLC or the school at large, the school and culture climate. If that’s not in alignment, that is a reason to let people go.

When you focus on your rationale based on your vision and your values, it helps you not make a decision from an emotional space where you’re just judging them. Or you’re, “I don’t like them. I don’t really know. I just can’t put my finger on it.” That kind of a thing. You want to be really clear with yourself. So base that on your vision and your values.

Then three, once you’ve decided and you understand your reason why, you’ve got to clean up your thoughts and emotions before you speak to that employee. I explain this like a Venn diagram. There are your emotions. How you’re thinking and feeling. Like if you are looking at a situation, like the situation is hiring, staffing. You are letting somebody go. Your thoughts about that are going to generate mentions. So if your thought is, “I’m letting them go out of love. This is the right decision. I know in my heart there is a better place for them.”

That feels energetically very different than when you’re saying like, “This person’s so annoying. I’ve got to get rid of them. They’re a pain in my backside. I just can’t wait for them to be gone.” Or you’re like, “I feel so bad. They’re really a nice person. I don’t want to have to do this.” You can feel the energetic shift in how you approach this conversation with them.

You’ve got to clean that up. You’ve got to get it as close to neutral as possible. You want to feel resolved in your decision. You want to feel neutral. You want to feel graceful and understanding, but you want to feel confident and strong. You’re not going to back down. You’re not going to let them freak out. If they do, you’re going to hold space for that. That’s what this whole podcast is about. You’ve got to start by cleaning up your thoughts.

So on the emotional Venn diagram, there’s your thoughts and feelings about what’s happening. Then in a separate circle outside of you completely is their thoughts, feelings, reactions to the news. Then the middle where the two circles intersect is your thoughts and feelings about their thoughts and feelings.

So you bring a teacher in. You tell them they will not be returning. “You’re not a fit for the district. Thank you for your service. I appreciate all that you’ve done. Wishing you the best. Let me know how I can be supportive.” They are going to have an emotional reaction. Sometimes it’s blank. Sometimes they don’t say anything and they’re kind of like, “Okay.” Other times they are very dramatic about it and there’s a big reaction. They might be angry. They might cry. They might scream. There could be a very intense reaction to this news.

So there’s your steer cycle what’s going on and then there’s their steer cycle. They get the news. They have a thought about it. “This isn’t fair. I don’t like this. She’s being mean. I’m going to fight this.” They could be angry. They could be screaming or crying. They could be silent. There’s all kinds of reactions you’re going to get, but that’s separate from you.

Then there’s the middle. You are going to have thoughts and feelings about whatever reaction you get from them. So they’re either going to be silent or they’re going to stare you down. Or they’re going to, “Okay fine.” Like surprisingly be okay with it. Or they’re going to be very sad or they’re going to be really angry. There’s going to be some kind of reaction. Then you’re going to be thinking about that.

Regardless of what their reaction is, you have thoughts about it. So just know that they are going to have some kind of a reaction, and you are going to want to hold space in that actual moment. You’re going to know this is happening. This is hard for them. You’re going to allow them to experience the emotion without giving into the urge to react to it. You can sit in compassion without coddling them or without backtracking your decision or without feeling guilty about it. You can just let them be in their space.

Now, that person is going to leave your office. Then they’re going to tell people. They’re going to go out to their peeps, and they’re going to tell all the things. Usually they trash talk you. They usually make it mean you’re mean, or you were unfair. There’s no reason for this or they’re shocked. They can’t believe it. How could she do this? I gave my all. They are going to have a story about that instance, that situation. They’re going to talk to the staff.

Their friends, the people they already hang out with, are going to be on their side. They’re going to cuddle them. They’re going to support them. They’re going to love on them. That’s their job. That person’s friends are supposed to do that. Expect that.

Then there will be people. It’s almost like an emotional diagram happening. Out in the campus, your staff culture, there will be like kind of a third who are going to be supportive and kind of in the drama with the person. They jump in the pool with them. There’s going to be another third who are like totally oblivious. It’s not that they don’t care. They don’t make it mean anything. It’s whatever. It is what it is. They go about their business.

Then there’s kind of this overlap of people in the middle who are intrigued by it. Like they’re not totally engaged with it, but they’re watching. Those people, they tend to be in their own mind about, “Oh my gosh. What happened? Why did it happen? Could it happen to me? What did I do? What if that happens to me? Does she like me? Am I keeping my job?” Kind of the nervous nellies of your group are going to freak out. Whether they say it out loud to each other or they keep it to themselves, there is a group that feels very afraid.

Just, I want you to be aware of this because it happens on every campus I’ve ever been on. Number one, there will be people who don’t like you. Number two, there will be people who have no opinion about what happens. They’re just doing their thing. Then there’s going to be a group of people who freak out about themselves. Like they’re making that decision you made mean that something could happen to them and they go into panic and fear. Okay.

What I want you to know and the thoughts I want you considering is that when you make decisions consistently and you communicate them consistently, from the values and goals. When you keep them from a place of non-emotion and just, “These are the values. These are the goals. It’s not a match.” When you do that very consistently, people will trust your decisions over time.

So in the beginning, your first-year people are like, “Whoa, what’s going on?” They might be worried. When you are consistent in your approach in how you communicate, what you say the values are, holding people accountable to those values. They will begin to trust your decisions even when they like the person being let go.

So if the staff reaction triggers you because it probably will. Especially in your first years. I want you to think about why. When the staff is up in arms and that bothers you or you’re worried about it, it’s typically because you are wanting to be liked. You are valuing, people pleasing. You want other people to be happy. You want other people to like you. You want to be the popular principal. You want to be the leader who is beloved, right, and that nobody’s mad at.

I want you to consider is that truly the way you want to lead? Do you want to lead through people pleasing and being liked all of the time and making decisions from that space? Or do you want to be the leader who takes responsibility for maintaining the highest standards for your school and making decisions from a place of true love? Meaning I love my school. I love my staff. I love my students. I will make the decisions I feel are best for them.

What people see, they know when you’re making that decision from love versus people pleasing. People pleasing is just a form of fear. Fear of not being liked, fear of you getting ousted, right. You not having a job because people don’t like you. So be very clear on your reaction to the staff reaction. Then as I said before just remember that just because they aren’t a match for your school. This really helped me get through a lot of painful springs.

Like this moment from March until June when there are teachers who are very upset and very angry. They probably will. They’ll try to build up evidence why they should stay and all that they have done, and how you have not done your part. Just remember. Just because they’re not a match for your school doesn’t mean they’re not a match somewhere else.

Every person has a place in the world, and they can’t all be a match for your school. It’s okay to let them go. Even when they’re fussing. Even when they’re tantruming. Even when you know there is something more maybe you could have done. Maybe you could have mentored them more. Maybe you could have.

I don’t want you spinning in, “Oh I could have done this. I could have done that.” Of course you could have, but the past is in the past. You did what you did. You made this decision. I guarantee you when you trust yourself, it is the right decision for them. Nothing has gone wrong when you decide to let somebody go. You need to let them be released into the world and they will find their space.

I had a first-grade teacher who came from corporate. She was on emergency credential. You know how it is. It’s really hard to find people. She was on an emergency credential. She was a lovely person. She had some very good attributes. Very good strengths. But teaching was not, in my opinion at least at my school. Teaching was not in her best interest. She wasn’t happy. Children weren’t happy. Parents weren’t happy. Letting her go as hard because she had a lot of charisma and personality, and people enjoyed her.

What ended up happening after that long space of holding from March until June. She really gave it her all in trying to stay that whole time. She ended up going back to corporate and finding a job she loved. She was so much happier.

Now when I think back to that time, was those few months pleasant for me? No. I got dirty stares. I got the eye rolls. People would cold shoulder me. Not talk to me. Tension was high on campus. I knew that I just had to be able to be strong enough to hold space for that little era of time to pass.

When I think back to it, was it worth it in the end? Was my resiliency worth her getting to find the job that worked for her? Absolutely. It worked for her. It worked for kids. Come August when we had a new set of teachers, it was over. It wasn’t the front page of the paper anymore. Nobody thought about it again. But I knew. I knew that I had to be the strong one to allow the emotional turn of her and her peers and the staff at large. Feel that kind of uncomfortableness for a really long time, for a few months.

This is what’s so crazy about education is we leave people hanging. They have to come in and do their work even when they know they’re not going to be there long term. That’s a hard thing to do. So you’re going to have to allow some grace and space for those people who are just trying to get through their own feelings of embarrassment and discomfort.

Then finally one last tip. I want you to be open about what you are looking for from the beginning. Fast forward into next year. Be very open and transparent about exactly what you’re looking for from your new teachers. So when you’re hiring, and we’re going to talk about that next week. How to hire new teachers and then finally how to onboard them. Be very specific and know what you want, and then be transparent about that. Talk to them about that.

Tell them what you’re looking for, how you make decisions, give lots of feedback during the school year. And document, document, document your conversations, all your mentoring, your observations. Not just for people that you’re worried about but for everybody. Positive feedback, contrastive feedback, positive conversations, constructive conversations. Positive mentoring, constructive mentoring. All of it.

Because the more clear you are with them in the beginning and the more clear you are with yourself, the easier it’s going to be to make these decisions, to understand the process, and to hold space to allow people time to accept that decision and move forward. With that, I want you to go have an empowered week. Take care guys. Bye, bye.

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