Ep #130: 6 Steps to Real Transformation

Hello, Empowered Principals. Welcome to Episode 130.

Welcome to The Empowered Principal Podcast. A not-so-typical educational resource that will teach you how to gain control of your career and get emotionally fit to lead your school and your life with joy by refining your most powerful tool, your mind. Here’s your host, certified life coach, Angela Kelly Robeck.

Hello, empowered leaders. How are you this fine day? Happy Tuesday. I hope this month’s theme on possibility has you fired up. It’s got me fired up. I love it. And I hope it’s inspiring you to dig in a little deeper into all that could be possible in education and for yourself as a school leader.

We’ve been talking about how to get into the headspace of possibility dreaming. And we’ve also talked with Diana Paton, who’s on a mission to help educators rise and bring diversity awareness into education during this midst of change.

And last week, we talked about the Rungs of Belief; how to move from not believing something and stepping towards full belief of where you want to be, how you want to think and feel, the energy in which you want to lead your school, your community, and your personal life with.

This work isn’t just about leadership. The way you do anything is the way you do everything. This work is about evolving yourself, the way you think and the way you feel and the possibilities for your life and who you want to be, not just as a school leader, but in all areas of your life.

So, this work really is about creating possibility in yourself, creating belief for yourself because who you are as a school leader will impact the way that you are as a husband or wife or a partner, as a mother, as a father, as an auntie and uncle, as a friend, as a sibling. It’s all-encompassing. And that’s why I want you to really embrace this work on possibility, because we’re not just talking about your nine to five as a school leader, or what people call the nine to five. We know that’s not true, school educators.

But it is true that this work can greatly impact your life at large. So, lean into what’s possible. And we’re going to talk about how you do this a little more specifically today. So, what I would like to talk about are the steps to transformation and how you go from building your belief – the rung of belief, like I talked about last week, the monkey bars of belief, basically, that is how you build up your belief systems, going from a current thought you’re believing to a thought you really want to believe. And not just believe it but believe it in the way that it just is who you are.

So, for example, if you’re a female and you relate to being a female, you don’t spend a lot of time and energy practicing the belief that you’re a female. You just believe it. You show up that way. You present that way, an empowered female. That might be a belief you’re working towards, is being an empowered female.

But the fact that you’re female, you don’t have to work on that and lean into. The rungs of belief help you focus on a belief you want to believe about yourself or a belief about work, whatever it is, you want to work your way to that belief. The rung of belief is how you do that.

This is how you take that belief and then turn it into the reality of your life. So, it goes from just being a thought into being your life, what is your reality. You create your reality by leaning into these beliefs, and I’m going to talk about how you do that from point A to point B. Okay, so, here we go.

The first step to transformation is awareness. All transformation requires awareness. And all transformations begin and end with emotion. Emotion is a vibration in the body. It’s our body’s way of communicating with us. You know, your body can’t communicate with you through language. Only your brain can do that.

So, your brain’s constantly chattering at you and your heart and soul and your intuition, that part of you, the all-knowingness that is within you, it doesn’t have language to communicate to you, so it communicates through emotion. It’s so fabulous and it’s so fascinating.

Emotions are always the truthful meaning and a window into what we are actually believing and thinking to be true. So, our brain tells us all of these things and it talks, talks, talks at us. But it tries to sidestep any emotions that it deems uncomfortable or unsafe. It wants to hide them from other ones.

So, we say things that we don’t really believe because we’re trying to stay comfortable and we’re coming up with distractions and excuses in our mind to avoid what we truly believe is true. Does that make sense? So, we say things that feel comfortable and safe and polite and easy because we want to believe that life should be comfortable and easy and safe all the time because that’s what the brain thinks.

On the other hand, what we’re really feeling is a truth into the actual belief. So, we can say to somebody, “I’m amazing,” or, “I’m an Empowered Principal.” But if you don’t really believe that, the emotion that you feel when you say that sentence, it won’t feel amazing. It won’t feel aligned.

It’s called misalignment. Your brain is kind of, like, in conflict. It wants to think one thing but it’s really believing another. So, you feel that dissonance through emotion.

When you feel distraught, it’s a sign that the thoughts you’re thinking are misaligned with a reality or a desire that you have. So, for example, if you applied for a job and you believe that you nailed that interview, you were like, “I killed the interview. I answered everything to a perfect tee, I did this.” But then, the reality is that you didn’t get offered the job, you’re going to experience disappointment in some form.

And how much you believed that you nailed that interview and that you should have been offered the job will impact the intensity of the emotion you feel. So basically, the greater degree to which you believed, like how much you attached to the idea of getting that job and that you should have been offered the job and you nailed the interview. The degree to which you believe that to be true, that impacts the intensity.

And when your belief or expectation is misaligned to what you think should be happening, that is when you feel distraught, disappointment, the negative emotion. There’s a misalignment there. And the clue for you to acknowledge when this is happening is that the thought usually has a should in it.

When you think something should have happened that didn’t or something should not have happened that did happen, your thought and the reality of what happened is not aligned. And this will trigger emotion. Your body’s way of talking to you.

It also comes up when you desire to have something that you don’t currently have. For example, you might really want a new car, or a different job and you think about this desire, like, “I really want that new car. I really have my eye on that car. I don’t have it now and I want it.” You know, what you want and what you have are different. And the thought, “I want that, and I don’t have it,” can also trigger emotion.

You might not be saying that you should have it, but your desire to have it and the reality that you don’t have it in this moment is the misalignment piece. So, in a way, your brain is really kind of saying, “I should be able to have that.” So, just notice that emotion is the body’s way of getting your attention. It is the first step that creates awareness in your mind.

And what I mean by that is an awareness that you’re having a thought that’s creating that emotion in your body. Awareness is key. It comes before everything. Without awareness, you have no idea, you can’t move forward without that awareness.

Number two, questioning. Step two in the process of transformation is to question your emotions and thoughts. And the easiest way to do this, because emotion is usually what captures your attention, you’re usually not, like, “Oh, I’m having this thought,” but you do know the emotion behind it.

So, the question to start with is, “Why am I feeling,” blank. Fill in the blank. Why am I feeling disappointed? Why am I feeling resentful? Why am I feeling exhausted? Answer the question with a list of answers. So, you need to answer the question, why am I feeling disappointed?

Well, I’m feeling disappointed because I worked hours on that job interview, I prepared, I practiced with my partner, I studied the questions, I really felt that I did a great job. I really wanted that job. I’m disappointed because I wanted the job and I didn’t get it. Do you see how you answer the actual question?

Why am I feeling this way? Well, your brain’s going to come up with a whole list of reasons why you feel this way. Those are sentences in your mind that you’re choosing to believe are true, that you did do so much work and that they should have given you the job and you’re disappointed that you put the work in and didn’t get the job. Those are the thoughts that are going to come up.

And what will come up is that you’re going to believe something is causing you to feel this way. You’re going to believe that it’s the interview or the job or the staff or the virus or the parents or the demands being placed on you that are creating your feelings. It feels like what’s true is that the situation you’re in is causing you to feel a certain way.

So, notice that. Notice your brain’s tendency to blame things that are outside of you. It doesn’t ever say, “Oh, Angela, the reason you’re feeling disappointment is that you’re having a thought that you should have gotten the job.” It doesn’t say that. You have to say that. You have to be the owner of your thoughts and emotions.

So, list all of the ideas, all of the answers down to deepen your awareness and understand where the misalignment is occurring. And you can also ask yourself this question; if blank changed, then I would feel blank. So, if my job changed, then I’d feel happy. If my marital status changed, then I’d feel amazing. If my kids would just behave, then I’d feel competent as a parent. Okay, so, fill in those blanks.

This will also help you see what your brain is blaming for your emotional state. So, when you do this, you’re going to be able to see what’s happening, you’re going to be able to notice, “Oh, I am thinking that my boss shouldn’t be handling the end of the year this way. And I’m feeling really frustrated by that thought.”

And the more often you pose these questions to your thoughts and your emotions, the more you’ll become familiar with your beliefs and your patterns of thinking.

Step three, notice. Notice how thinking about these sentences, or as I call them a story, makes you feel and act. What are you attempting to change or control? Through your story about why you’re feeling the way you are, you’ll notice that you will be blaming – and your brain just does this. It’s totally normal. It blames the situation. It blames the job.

It will say, “Oh my gosh, I’m working longer hours than ever before. They’re changing the priorities all the time. They keep asking me to talk to the teachers and get them to do more and more for their online learning. They’re exhausted. They’re frustrated. I don’t want to have to ask more of them, but my boss is asking me. This is getting ridiculous. What are we going to do for next year?”

Your brain is going to have this churning of a story. How does that story make you feel and how does it make you act? And you’ll see that you’re trying to change or control the things that are outside of you. You want online learning to just get easier. You want your teachers to stop whining or complaining about online learning. You want your boss to make up his or her mind and just pick it and stick it.

You’re going to want to change or control those things. And you will feel urges. You will feel urges to act. So, when you feel pressure, when you believe that you’re getting a lot of pressure to work longer hours because you’re at home and you’re trying to keep up with everything, the urge to work past your work hours or into the night or weekend will feel very intense.

You will feel like it’s happening outside of your control. It will seem like you can’t help yourself or stop yourself. So, notice, how do your thoughts make you feel and act? How do they urge you into certain ways of acting or not acting, not taking action?

So, you have to notice what you’re currently doing. And then, think about how you want to approach this situation. What urges or feelings do you have about the situation when you’re believing that it’s kind of got control over you and then you’re trying to control it back.

Notice how powerful the emotion is and how it always impacts the choices and decisions that you make about every single action that you take or do not take. Every action we take is a decision. Every inaction that we take is a decision and it’s based on the way we are thinking and feeling, 100% of the time. Notice, notice, notice.

Step four, speculate. Before taking action in real life, see if you can slow your brain down, slow the urge, resist the urge to react in action, because were action-based people, we want to just get in and clean it up and get it done and solve the problem and move on, check the box, right?

Before you do that that, allow yourself to slow down and play these actions out in your mind first. What does your brain think will happen if you react to your urges? What do you believe is going to happen if you just dive in and get busy working?

Does reacting to those urges feel good in the moment because you are problem solving? Your brain’s telling you that this is the solution, to take tons of action, to work longer, to be hard on yourself and to push more action. It believes that action is the answer.

And when you give into that urge, you’re going to get into this negative spin cycle of reacting, reacting, reacting and exhausting yourself in the process. Versus noticing, what would it feel like to drop that belief? What would it feel like not to give into the urge to work all the time?

Trust me, I’m in the pool with you on this one. I have a very strong urge to work all of the time. I love to read, I love to learn, I love to write, I love to coach, I love to get coached. I love this podcast. I love writing my book and writing articles and just anywhere I can be helping people is where I want to be.

I have to resist that urge from time to time in order to replenish myself and to be the best version of myself and to be present in my personal life. So, you are going to feel the urge to work, feel the urge to keep going, feel the urge to do more.

And I ask this question because it’s really been on my mind lately; does giving into that urge create the change that you want in your life professionally and personally for the long-term? Does giving into that urge feel good in that moment, in the short-term? But does it work in the long-term? Does it give you what you really deeply desire?

We know that acting in the moment will release that urge in the immediate time, but does that action get you the ultimate result that you want? What other implications might it have? What are the long-term effects and impacts of these decisions? And do you want to show up that way? What else could you do?

And finally, speculate on this; what emotion are you chasing? The reason we want to change a thought or to accomplish a goal is always because of the way we believe it will make us feel. When we think we’re burned out, we believe the solution is quitting that job or getting a new job because the job will help us feel better and we think that taking that action, of quitting one job and starting another is how we’re going to feel better.

We’re chasing relief. We’re chasing not being burned out. We’re chasing fulfilment. We’re chasing impact and influence, right? Whatever it is you’re chasing, it’s an emotion. So, for example, if you want a different job, it’s because you believe that having that different job is going to feel better.

So, whatever you’re thinking, if you’re thinking that, “I want a new job because I will make more money,” or, “I want a better school,” or, “I want better bosses,” or, “I want a shorter commute.” Whatever your reason that your brain is giving you, it really filters down to what emotion you want to feel. What does having more money mean for you? What does being at a better school look like for you? How would having a better boss impact you emotionally? How would a shorter commute better your life? It all comes down to the way you think it will make you feel.

Finally, step five, innovate. Once you’ve explored through the speculation process, you can see the emotion that you are striving for, the one you want to feel. And this is why emotion is the beginning and the end of transformation.

We have an emotion that we do not want to feel, which signals us to initiate thought questioning, and we have a desire and emotion that we want to feel, the one that we’re chasing. Knowing which exact emotion you want to feel is very important in this process because in order to achieve that emotion, you have to come up with thoughts that, when you think them, generate that emotion for you.

Thoughts create the emotion, not the situation. Your thoughts about that situation are what’s generating emotion. So, for example, when I left my job, I felt overwhelmed. I wanted to relieve myself from the overwhelm. And I thought that if I quit, I would feel relief.

And I pictured myself, I would imagine myself being much more relaxed and happy and I’d have my life in order because I believed, I honestly believed that I would have more control over my schedule. And that thought, having more control over my schedule made me beam with excitement.

The vibration of that thought in my body was so powerful and so intense, just at the thought of having the control. At the time, I believed I didn’t have control over my schedule. That was a lie I was telling myself. I believed that my boss or everybody around me, all the pressures and demands were creating my schedule for me, versus my owning what I thought about my schedule, how I felt about my schedule, and ultimately how I approached my day to day schedule.

So, after you speculate all of this, what you’ll notice is that you can feel the emotion you want to feel without changing your circumstance, without changing the situation you’re currently in. And I got to feel that excitement of having control over my schedule just by thinking about how it would feel.

And when I did that, in those moments, I felt – present moment, I felt excited and happy. See, I was creating the feelings while I was still a principal because I was thinking about how I wanted to feel all of the time And I was thinking about what it would look like and be like to start this coaching business. And doing so got me in such an excited happy state.

I would come home from work and I would think about how I could implement my coaching practices into my current role. I was so jazzed about coaching. I didn’t want to wait until I had to quit in order to feel better. I wanted to bring it with me to work.

So, I started bringing it with me and, lo and behold, I started loving my job because then I was in control of my schedule. I was choosing what I was thinking about. I was bringing coaching into my current situation, which was being a principal. I was teaching it to kids and staff members and families and I was creating that emotion. I was excited to go to work and talk about coaching.

So, I learned how to love my job by bringing the coaching with me and thinking about it, how I could use it now, and eventually how I could use it to coach through the fear of quitting and starting a business when I’ve never been a busines owner before. So, speculation is a lot of playing around with possibility in your mind.

And finally, last step, number six, the sixth step to transformation is to allow. This is where you get to feel the excitement of what you want and love where you currently are. So, as I was explaining, I was in the current moment, in the current situation of being a principal, and I was accepting all of the great things about being a principal, and the tough stuff too.

I was allowing myself to feel the bad days. It wasn’t like the bad days were erased. It was just that I could see how I was creating good days and I was able to handle the bad days. And I just could see myself bouncing between the two and it was all okay.

And I did so from this place of knowing. And you can do this too. You can know that you are in charge of creating your life and your leadership legacy. You allow yourself to take actions that you didn’t believe were possible before when you allow yourself to be willing to feel any emotion.

You’re going to feel fear, but you’re going to allow it to be present and you’re going to do the scary thing anyway. And you do this over and over again. You allow yourself joy in the moment right now, you gain control back, and you find the joy in the job now and you help build your rung of beliefs to the point where you either stay in the job and you love it and you find a way to love the job you’re in, or you find a way to lovingly leave it.

And that is allowing. It’s allowing all of it. You want to stay, you want to go, you want to love it, you don’t want to love it. But you’re in control of that and that’s when you get to step six, which is allowance.

And here’s what’s interesting; it’s not as if there is this arrival moment or this end-all-be-all moment. What it really feels like is you start to gain momentum and you get more excited and more enthusiastic and you’re looking for solutions and you’re looking for ways to increase the joy and fun and happiness in your life while you’re currently in whatever it is you’re doing.

And you’re taking massive action towards the goals that you want, so your energy is really high, even when it feels like it’s low, you’ve got this momentum going and you have a desire that, even when it’s hard, you’re going to keep going. So, you’ll still have the good and bad days, but you keep moving forward.

And what happens is that you are stepping into that transformation and your life begins to look and feel different, but you’re not acknowledging it or knowing it right there as it happens because it’s such a transition into who you become.

It’s hard to explain unless you’ve had it happen. So, for example, when you became a principal, you worked really hard to prepare. You kind of had the idea, like, maybe someday I want to be a principal. You kind of dabble in looking around and talking to your friends who’ve gone through the process, who’ve gotten their credentials or their administration credentials. You dabble in it a little bit and think about it more and more.

And all of a sudden, you kind of get into this, “Yeah, I am ready. I want to be.” And you start to gain momentum and you start to really research and you really start to dig into what it would look and feel like and you start talking to people who are in it and then you imagine yourself in it. And you get into this space where before you’re even a principal, you’re imagining what it feels like. And you’re kind of in your head, thinking and feeling like a principal.

So, by the time you interview and you get the job and you’re in it, you’re like, “Wow…” and you still have this moment of like, “Holy cow, I can’t believe I’m a principal now.” But as you’re becoming a principal, it just is who you are. And you wake up every day and now you’re a principal.

And now, you might be thinking, “What have I done to myself?” But those are new thoughts to consider. So, step six is allow. So, let me review them very quickly again.

Step one is awareness. Step two, question. Step three, notice. Step four, speculate. Step five, innovate. And step six, allow. And here’s the kicker. You will all of a sudden be living in this new way and one day you’ll look back and you’ll think, “Oh my gosh, I’m living the life I said I wanted to.” This is amazing.

You will have that moment when you look back and you’re like, “Oh my gosh, I remember when this felt like it was never going to happen, it wasn’t a possibility, it was so out of reach, it was going to be so far away in my life. Here I am living it.” That’s how I feel. I have to pinch myself sometimes about my current career. I love it so much and I am so proud of myself for working to this moment that I wanted so badly years before I resigned and created this business as a fulltime career.

And what you’ll notice is you’ll feel huge gratitude and you will so appreciate the work that you do that transformed you into the person who has the life and the career that you want and now have because you’ll see, it’s never really about the job. It’s about the person you become in the process to achieve that new emotion.

And one last thing to know. You’re going to have moments of appreciation and extreme gratitude when you reflect back and connect al the dots to the things that got you to this moment. And then, it will start all over again. Because once you’re there, your brain’s already looking forward to the next possibility, the next level, the next new thing. And you’re going to transform and go through the rungs of belief and the steps to transformation over and over again.

It never is complete. It’s a constant state of evolving. And where you are right now is a product of the thoughts of where you wanted to be a few years ago and where you are headed from this point forward is completely up to the thoughts you’re thinking now.

So, be very intentional with your thoughts. Decide what emotions you want to feel. Come up with a plan and thoughts that help you generate that emotion right now in this moment, in this circumstance, in this situation, and explore all the actions that will get you what you want.

Allow yourself to be where you are while also taking massive action and allowing that fear to be present for all the other emotions that are going to hold you back.

Transformation is a process. Transformation is life and life is transformation. It is how we evolve ourselves. It’s how we help students evolve themselves. It’s how we support our teachers and students in their own transformation and it’s how we will evolve education through its upcoming transformation.

Have an empowered week. Take care. Bye-bye.

Hey, principals, listen up. I’ve created a professional learning program for you and your team to build your capacity and lead your staff through the empowerment process. I’ve designed personalized growth experience for you and your school. You’ll learn how to apply the leadership triad to empower your staff and students.

This is the moment where the perfect time and opportunity meet. Education will never be the same and I have the tools to help you navigate the change. To learn more, sign up for a free consultation at angelakellycoaching.com/programs. I’ll see you on the inside.

Thanks for listening to this episode of The Empowered Principal Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode and want to learn more, please visit AngelaKellyCoaching.com where you can sign up for weekly updates and learn more about the tools that will help you become an emotionally fit school leader.