Hello, empowered principals. Welcome to episode 422.
Welcome to The Empowered Principal® Podcast, a not so typical educational resource that will teach you how to gain control of your career and get emotionally fit to lead your school and your life with joy by refining your most powerful tool, your mind. Here’s your host certified life coach Angela Kelly.
Today we’re going to talk about how can we invite luxury and how can we allow it, especially when we’ve been taught not to. It’s not humble, it’s not ladylike, it’s not becoming of you to want luxury in your experience, to want your school to look and feel and have a luxury vibe to it. And I’m not talking about pasting things up on the wall to make it look like luxury. I’m talking about the energy of it feeling luxurious. You could be in a school that is one of the lowest income schools, the least amount of money. It’s not about the money. It’s about the energy, the vibe, the mindset, the approach, the intention that we bring into our classrooms, into our hallways, onto our campuses, into our schools. Okay?
So luxury is a feeling that we experience. And luxury for you and your school and your situation might look and feel different than somebody else because as we said in day one, it’s in the eye of the beholder. It’s about gratitude and appreciation and enjoying the thing that you have. And then on day two, we get into that duality of luxury. With luxury, right? So with the example of my little mini fridge and my little snack box and my little, you know, coffee pot, my little baby one, it was so cute.
I had the responsibility of making sure it was stocked. And I, our superintendent made us all turn them off and clean them out for every long break. If we had a break of a week or longer, which basically was, you know, this time of year, we had to take everything out, make sure it was cleaned out. It was just, he knew a lot of people were getting these little mini fridges. So he’s like, “Please, clean them out, turn them off,” just to save electricity, energy, to ensure nothing goes wrong, just make sure they’re all unplugged. So we all did that. And it was another responsibility I had before each break, but it was one that I took on with joy to do that. I was happy to ensure that it was cleaned out and fresh products were put in, and the old products were out because what mattered to me, the luxury of having it mattered more than the responsibility of the luxury.
And but there is, you know, a duality. And sometimes that duality, we can be afraid of the responsibility that comes with the luxury. So when we get, you know, we ask for whether it’s human resources support, we need more hands on deck, or we need more photocopiers, or we need more materials, we need more paper, pens. At this day and age, you know, people are buying their own stuff in their classrooms. It would be nice just to be able to fund teachers with basic essential supplies that a school uses on the daily. So even that might be a luxury, pens, pencils, markers, crayons, paper, you know, tape, all the things, scissors, you know, computers, all of that. Those can be luxuries.
So for every luxury that we desire, we understand that there is a responsibility that comes with it. And today we’re going to talk about how we embrace that and own that and like take that on. Even if we don’t like to clean out the fridge, right? Even if we don’t like the duality part, we honor it and respect it and we take ownership of it. We do it because we love the luxury so much. We love the luxury enough to do the thing, right?
So I was talking about, you know, having there was a soda machine in our staff lounge. I ended up as one of the teachers getting assigned to like having to fill it because I was a kindergarten teacher and we released a little bit earlier each day was like, you know, 30, 40 minutes, something before the rest of the kids got out. So that gave me more time. So my principal said, “Hey, will you be the one to run to Costco and get the flats of soda and refill the machine?” It was, you know, I was happy to do it. It was a, was I always happy to do it in the moment? No, it was a lot of work. But I was happy to do it because it was a luxury for my peers, my staff. And I used the soda machine sometimes too.
So doing that job, my staff, and I was a teacher at the time, so my peers received the luxury of having the soda and having it always filled because I took on that ownership as a member of our team. And if it wasn’t me, somebody else would have done it. I just chose to do it. So there is a duality that comes with luxuries.
Now, if you want to talk like high-end luxuries, like getting a new playground or like big ticket items on your campus, like having, you know, hiring professional development to come in or having a new science center built or a new wellness room maybe, where there is a space where kids can go and have somebody who’s certified or qualified to work with them when they are dysregulated. Wouldn’t that be a luxury to when a child is dysregulated or an adult is dysregulated, there is a wellness room where they can go and they can regulate themselves in a private, safe space? That would be a luxury. That might be a big ticket item you’re looking at. Or maybe you’re looking at a prolonged professional development program that brings in this kind of work, that brings in someone like me where you would be getting coached on an ongoing basis. Right?
There’s big ticket items that are luxury items. There are small little things you can do for luxury. And it feels like the bigger the luxury, the more pressure of the duality of it and being able to hold the pressure of that duality, which is what we talked about yesterday. So check that one out because that really does make a difference. We can kind of stress about, well, I would love to have that luxury, but, you know, the pressure of having that, you know, the pressure of raising the funds for that wellness room or that science center or the new playground, that’s more pressure. And then, you know, having construction on campus, if you’re building a new space or getting a new playground, or you’re spending all of this money on some professional development or some kind of program, there’s pressure from your district like, “Okay, you decided this, let’s see results.” That kind of thing, right? So there’s pressure when you have luxuries.
Or on the personal side, right? I think we talked about this yesterday. You buy a really high-end car, the duality of that luxury car comes with maybe a higher sticker price or a higher registration tags, whatever, higher insurance rates perhaps, maybe, you know, it needs premium gas versus regular or it needs different kind of maintenance systems. So there is a bundle that comes with luxury. And that can, you know, push us back from we might want it, but do we want it enough? And that’s something to know. It’s something to take into account. You might say no to a luxury at this time because you might not have the bandwidth or the capacity to handle the pressures that also come with having that luxury. And it’s good to know inside like when you feel that it’s a yes or it’s a no, you’re taking into account the entire package of that luxury, right?
So let’s lean into the fun part. Let’s talk about how we invite luxury in and how we allow it. So I’m going to preface this with a story, a true story about little me when I was 13 years old. So you can think back to a time in your childhood when you got something that you really wanted, right? So if you’ve ever watched the movie A Christmas Story where little Ralphie, he desperately wants that BB gun, Red Ryder BB gun. And the whole movie is about a child’s desire to receive something that he thinks is like the most luxurious toy on the planet. It’s fun for him. His peers will go wild over it. He can play, he can get the bad guys. Like the whole movie, if you’ve ever seen this movie, if it’s called a Christmas story, the whole movie is about this desire for this Red Ryder BB gun. And Mom is saying, no, you can’t have it. You’ll shoot your eye out.
So she kind of shuts down the desire for luxury, shuts down the desire, his desires, and he’s thinking the whole time there’s no way on this green earth or this snowy earth, I guess he’s growing up in the Midwest. But there’s just no way on the planet I’m going to get this, you know, and spoiler alert, if you’ve never seen it, he ends up getting the prize, the present.
But this happened to me, a similar thing. So I was 13 years old and it was my birthday. And I really wanted the Thriller album. Now, back when Thriller came out, they came out on actual albums, LPs, and I had a record player, a stereo, right? I had dual speakers. My family is really into music. My dad is a musician, my sister is a musician, and they both have created their own music. My sister’s put out albums, like very musically inclined family. I am not an instrument player perhaps. I dabble on the piano, I dabble on the guitar, but I don’t play. I could not pick a guitar up and play for you right now. I don’t have a beautiful singing voice. My sister and my dad do, but I love music. I grew up around it. I love, love, I love live music. I love concerts. I love listening to music. It really ignites and fires up my energy and my soul.
And the gift I have with music is I can remember lyrics. And my whole family jokes about this. They’re like, how do you remember the lyrics to songs? And I’m like, I don’t know. So if I could sing and remember lyrics, I would go be a Taylor Swift or a version of her. Unfortunately, that is not what I was gifted with. I was gifted with the lyrics, not with the voice.
So maybe in my next life, but this album was like, I was obsessed with getting the Thriller album. It was like the album of the year. And I was in love with Michael Jackson. I just wanted that album. It was just everything. And so my family celebrated my birthday. And my mom made a cake and she made my favorite, you know, dinner, whatever it was at the time. I don’t remember. I just remembered the cake. And we had cake and ice cream. And then we opened gifts. It was just the four of us. I didn’t have people over. Sometimes my family would invite other, you know, our family friends over, but we were, oh, I know why because we were, we had just moved. My dad got transferred and so we had to move from our hometown to another town so he could have work.
And unfortunately, this was, must have been during kind of a recession because he had been laid off from the job that they just moved him to. And so money was tight. Money was always tight, but money was especially tight. And so I didn’t really ask my parents for the album because I didn’t want to burden them with the pressure of getting this album for me because I knew, you know, it was expensive. It was asking for one more thing. So we went out, we were opening presents and I got, you know, a pair of pants or socks, just like, you know, stuff. It was like, yes, it was a birthday gift, but it was stuff my mom would have bought me anyway, right? Like it was like essentials, but it was fine. I was like, “Okay, thank you very much.”
And I was, you know, I was grateful for the new clothing items or whatever I got. And then I kind of scooped them all up and I started walking up the stairs and I could feel the burn of disappointment. You know when you’re just, you’re grateful and disappointed at the same time. I felt the burn. I can remember feeling it. I was carrying all the things, was mostly like clothing and, I don’t know, a couple of little things. But and I was walking up the stairs and I went into my room and put the stuff down on my bed. And then my dad said, “Hey, you forgot a gift.” And I was like, “What?” “Okay.” And I came downstairs and I saw no gift anywhere. I said, “Well, oh, I’m sorry, where’s the gift? I don’t see it.”
And he’s like, you know, looking around. He’s acting like he’s looking for it. He’s like, “I know there was one more gift around here somewhere. I don’t remember, you know, where we put it.” And then he pulls the couch back and there is the rectangle wrapped item behind the couch. And everyone knew what it was. I knew what it was. I rip off the paper. I scream. I grab my dad and give him the biggest hug and I run upstairs.
And my parents said they did not see me for like months on end because I got that album and I loved that but I ran upstairs and played it and played it. Like, I just, I was so happy and not just in the moment. I wasn’t just like, “Yay,” and then I listened to the album a couple of times and I was over it. I literally like was genuinely so happy, so grateful. And what was fun about that gift and this memory that was created in my family and myself was I didn’t need to earn that gift. There was nothing I had to do to earn the album.
I didn’t have to, you know, prove my worthiness to my parents. I didn’t have to give them something back in return because they had given me something. I was just open to receiving it. I just received it because I received it. There was no attachment. It wasn’t a tit for tat. We give you this album and now you have to wash the car. We give you this album because you earned it. You got good grades or we give you this album because, you know, you have established your worthiness now you’re a teenager and now you’ve, you know, gone to some new echelon of worth. There’s nothing like that. It was simply my parents being so excited to give me that album.
And the look on my dad’s face when I received it with open arms with the screams, with delight, with the squeals and the laughter and the big hug and it, I was so open to receiving it. I was not like, “Oh, this is probably expensive and I know you guys are on a tight budget. You probably shouldn’t, no, you shouldn’t have, you shouldn’t have gotten me this. Oh, this must have been really expensive.” I didn’t say any of that. I just said, “Yes, thank you. Oh my gosh. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”
And that album, I treated it like it was made of gold. I kept the cover pristine. It was like this open, I don’t know if you guys have ever seen the Thriller album, but like it had two records in it, so you would open them up and then there was, I guess called a centerfold. Back, no, is that what called? I don’t know. Maybe that’s a bad thing. But I thought of it like it was open, there was like a big, you know, photo of Michael Jackson. And I know like this was before I knew anything else of him, but at the time, I just loved the music. I really respected him as an artist and I just took such great care of that album. And I played it all the time. I still own the album. My sister literally just bought one of those console vintage record players that are, they look like a great big piece of furniture. And we listened to vintage Christmas music on it and I felt like I was in a movie. It was so great.
So we’re going to sit down and listen to our albums and she has my Thriller album at her house, along with Grease, along with all the other ones that I wanted. But the story and the reason I share this is because it was pure. My openness to receiving the luxury of that gift, I knew my parents struggled to make ends meet. You know, my dad got laid off and we had to get government cheese, government milk, government butter, government bread. We had to stand in that line. I remember the embarrassment, the shame. My, you know, I didn’t feel the shame as much, but I could feel it from my mom, but she had to feed her kids. And we were in this situation, but in that moment, complete luxury. And I knew it, and I received it. I didn’t have to do anything to earn it or its worth, and I didn’t reject it.
And that moment sticks with me because I remember this happening over and over in my life. Just I was a child who was open to receiving. And I didn’t receive big things often, so when I did, I was in complete gratitude, but there were other times where just little things I received with open arms. I can remember like those little gadgets you put on your backpack, just things like being able to go to a friend’s house. All of it felt like luxury to me. I just delighted in the receiving of it. And I didn’t say like, “Oh, I don’t deserve this or I shouldn’t have this.” I just said thank you and embraced it with all of my heart.
And my openness and willingness to receive the little luxuries in life, the little surprises, the, you know, the things that made life extra special because I was so grateful and so open to receiving them without any rejection or any resistance, it made it fun for others to give to me. You know, it was a gift to give to me because I responded with such gratitude and appreciation and excitement and enthusiasm. I was a joy to give to because I was open.
And I’ve been told that often in my life, like you’re such a beautiful receiver. There’s no, “Oh, you shouldn’t have done that or, oh, you shouldn’t have spent that much money on me.” or, “Oh.” It’s just, “Thank you so much for thinking of me.” And so what’s happened over the course of my life, professionally and personally, like I, I feel like I was, you know, granted, you know, positions with ease. And I just, “Thank you for this opportunity and I will rise to the occasion. I will be that version that you hired me to be,” even if I didn’t know how to do that, I would, I will work to be the version of you. Thank you so much. I allowed and welcomed with all of my heart, you know, big and small luxuries.
So I can remember as a kid like being grateful for like my sister and I had sometimes had to share a room and then sometimes we got our own room. We moved a lot. And having my own bedroom, as much as I love my little sister, she was the cutest little thing. As much as I loved her, like I was four and a half years older than her. I wanted my own space, especially the older I got. And she wanted her own space, right? She wanted to be able to play with her friends and not have me blasting my music and I wanted to be with my teenage friends doing my thing, right? So that was a luxury. Then I remember my parents getting me like a Honda Spree. It was like a scooter style moped. Like, I just thought it was heaven on wheels. I loved the independence. You know, getting jobs, I was, you know, I babysat, I detassled, I worked at a grocery store. I did all kinds of things and just really enjoyed receiving. I was really grateful for the roommate I got in college. She was wonderful.
You know, just meeting Alex’s dad. I met him in college. We got married when we graduated and we had Alex. We were married for 10 years. We and during that time we moved to California, like here’s what I want to show you is that in our lives, when we are open and we say yes to luxuries, we say yes to things that feel good, we say yes to opportunities at work or let’s say your PTA comes and says, “You know, we want to do a fundraiser and we want to try and…” Yes, versus no, that’s going to be a headache. That’s going to take too much time or I just don’t want to bother with it.
But being open to receiving, what happens is when we say yes, and if it’s a clear no, like if you’re setting boundaries, it’s just like too much on the plate and there’s a no, but it’s like a, I know that this needs to be a no and that there’s just that’s it. That’s different. It’s when we want to say yes, but we feel like we should say no. Do you know the difference?
So wanting to say yes but saying no, when you break through that discomfort and you say, “You know what? I’m going to say yes to this. I’m going to be open to this.” What happens is you’re opening the door for more to come in. And the more grateful you are, the more you allow it, it expands your ability to receive even more. And I speak to this professionally and personally because you’re one person. And where your life expands professionally, it expands personally and where your life expands personally, it expands professionally. Okay?
So we start with allowing luxury and the ability to receive it by very first, allowing yourself to desire it. And there’s two parts to this. Number one, we allow ourselves to desire things that we already have. So for example, there was a day in your past when you really desired to become a school leader. It was on your to-do list, you wanted it and you were prepping for it. You had a thought, you’re like, “Okay, I think I’m ready.” You prepared, you took classes, you got your masters, you went the credential, however, whatever journey you took to get your administrative license, you had a desire and you were open to receiving a yes. You were open to receiving a job offer. That was a want match. They wanted you, you wanted them. It was a want match. “Yes, thank you.” and you were open to that.
Now you’re in the job, right? Do you feel that having this job is a luxury? Oftentimes we don’t because we get kind of complacent with the things we already have that in our past were a luxury that we once desired. So maybe you didn’t used to have a car and then you got a car. And now you’re, now you’ve got wheels and you’ve got independence and you’ve got freedom and you can go wherever you want. Do you still feel like it’s a luxury to have the car or is it just like an expectation now?
So playing at first with what are the things in my life that were once desired as luxuries and now I have them? Little, big, and in between. Think about school. Maybe you didn’t have an AP and now you do. Maybe you didn’t used to have an instructional coach, but now you do. Perhaps you had a not cool master schedule where everything was messed up and you’ve worked through it and now your master schedule runs more smoothly. Maybe you had somebody who wasn’t up to standard in your cafeteria and now you’ve got someone who genuinely cares about nourishment and the well-being of students and giving them food they love that’s also semi-healthy. And that’s someone who really loves their job. Or maybe a maintenance person. Maybe you have a bus driver who’s just the bomb.com and they just can handle the kids on the bus like nobody’s business. I think that’s a complete luxury, right?
So first of all, it’s about loving what we already have and seeing it as a luxury and feeling that. And sometimes I think like, well, what would it be like to not have that thing? And then that catapults me into appreciation really fast. And then the second thing is so we love what we already have and then we allow ourselves to desire. Sometimes our spirit got crushed at a young age. Don’t want that, that’s expensive, you can’t have that, you know, hands off at, you know, when you’re going through Target or Walmart or wherever Kmart or Pamida, all those places your parents used to shop at.
Where it was, you know, your desires are just kind of brushed away, no. And you got tired of the disappointment and nobody wants to feel disappointment. And so instead of feeling disappointed, what we do is we just turn down, we turn off the desire. It’s like, okay, our bodies have this little like equalizer system or this mixer system. I don’t know what those are called. But my dad used to have one it was like with all the stereo inputs and outputs so they could equalize everything. I think that’s what it’s called. We’re going to go with that word.
But, you know, you would mix and master all of the different inputs and outputs. Well, if desire kept getting turned down and kept getting turned down and you would turn it up and they would turn it down, then what? Then eventually you’re like, “Well just turn it off then. Just turn off my desire.” You know what? I don’t even want anything. Why would I want something when the answer is no, I just don’t get it anyway. And if I want it and then I’m told not to want it or if I express that I want it and people are like, “Why do you want that?” Then they judge what you want or like, you know, “Why would you want that much? Isn’t what you have good enough?” right?
So instead of one foot in gratitude where we’re appreciating what we have and one foot in desire where we are like, yes and, I’m open to receiving more, not because I’m greedy or selfish or, you know, hoarding, but because I want to experience the biggest life possible. I want to make the greatest impact I can for my school. I want people to love to come to my school. I want people to love being around me, to have them, you know, to enjoy that I’m their leader.
And the more abundant I am, the more luxurious I am, the more details I’m thinking about, like what’s something really little in our office that would just make a big difference? Maybe it, maybe, you know, this is what’s coming to mind, like maybe it didn’t smell very good. Maybe it was like old stinky carpet and even when they clean it, it’s just kind of musty smelling and like the most luxurious thing you guys could do is just put in an air freshener or like, you know, put in some, I don’t know, fragrance or, you know, room juju that zhuzhes it up. right?
Or the big luxury might be saying, “Hey, we would like maintenance to put in fresh carpet over the holiday break or over next summer because we got a funk going on and it’s not inviting.” That might be luxury to your, you know, community coming into that room, to your office staff. Even fresh paint sometimes can just really make a space come alive.
So what are the things that you desire but you’ve been told no? You can’t have that. No, you can’t have new carpet. Okay, well, what can we have? I’m going to get air fresheners or I’m going to get, you know, plants, something that absorbs. I don’t know why I’m thinking of this. It’s just coming up for me, but do you see where I’m going with this? But here’s what happens. One, we get complacent with the luxuries we already have. And number two, we’re afraid to desire because we would rather avoid disappointment than desire luxury and try to figure out how we can create that luxurious experience.
And we’re more afraid of disappointment and failure than we are afraid to just turn off the dial of desire. And to me, it’s so much scarier to turn off the dial of desire because then there’s zero chance of things feeling better, looking better, smelling better, experiencing it better. You know, like emotionally feeling better, mentally being more alive, enjoying like your environment. If we turn it down, it’s like, “Well, I don’t want to get disappointed if somebody tells me no, or I don’t want to try to, you know, get new carpet and I fail at it or I fail, you know, at raising the funds for the new playground.” So if I’m going to fail at it, why even try? So we turn it down. We’re just not going to want that. We’re just going to keep the janky playground. We’re going to keep the janky carpet. And then we don’t have to feel bad.
But are we really avoiding disappointment or are we just creating it in advance? It’s like, I’m going to turn down the volume of desire so that I can just be a little disappointed now, but it’s going to be kind of fake disappointment because I’m not going to let anybody know I’m truly devastated already because I know there’s no chance I’m ever going to get fresh carpet or a new playground. And so we’re just not even going to think about it. I’m just going to, I’m going to numb it out. Okay?
So what we say to ourselves is, well, what kind of person would I be to want this? Who am I? Am I selfish? Am I greedy? Am I a narcissist? Right? Am I a bad person? And we associate, think about this. Think about how you think about people with a lot of luxury in their lives, whether that’s financial luxury or they have like the true love of their life. They have the luxury of a true love. They have a luxury of a great family. They have a luxury, you know, maybe they’re financially successful or maybe they just love their work. Maybe they don’t make a lot of money, but they love their job. Maybe they have the luxury of travel. Maybe they have the luxury of having kids and you want kids, but don’t have kids, or maybe they don’t have kids and you have kids and you want to be free, fancy free, right?
There’s all kinds of things. We look at other people and we think, “Gosh, they have so much luxury.” Think about what you think about them. Like examine those thoughts. Are they bad? Like, are really rich people bad people? Are they selfish? Are they greedy? Are they arrogant, rude, entitled, out of touch? I would never want to be that. If you believe that bringing luxury into your school is going to bring in judgment, criticism, scrutiny, if you think that any kind of luxury or a certain kind of luxury is going to bring in pain and it’s going to bring in like unsafe conditions where you could get judged or you could get criticized or you could get ostracized or you could be in the middle of a public scrutiny situation, then you’re going to, your subconsciously, you’re going to put the brakes on. If you think it’s going to bring pain or it’s going to cause harm or it’s going to make you a bad person or you’re going to be perceived or your school is going to be perceived in a negative way, because we really care about what people say and think and do.
And we also get into our heads about it being us. Like little old me, I shouldn’t have that. Like that is for the echelons of, you know, the Kardashians. They get to have luxurious things, but not me. I’m just little old me at my little old school doing my little old thing. And you know, I don’t really need that. We don’t really need a new playground. Like two out of the four swings are broken, but, you know, the kids just line up. It’s good practice. They just can get in line and they can have to wait. And then we can only do five swings because we got to get the next kid on. You know, we’re making do. We’ve got this. We’re resilient. We’ve got grit, right?
We start to build up character because we don’t have luxury. We don’t need luxury. You know, my beater car, it’s been going strong for 20 years. Why would I need a new car that gets twice as good a gas mileage and actually has heat that works and a stereo that plays, you know, from my phone instead of AM FM, right?
So we can get into this conflict with internal conflict where we attach our identity to luxury, either good or bad, right? I don’t need it. I don’t want it. It’s not worth it. Doesn’t apply to me, doesn’t apply to my life. That’s just not relevant. It’s not for me. So not allowing, not desiring, not letting yourself desire because of failure or disappointment and not allowing things when people do gift you with something, that’s actually the block. It’s like if you’re driving on the road, there’s a barrier in the way, you just run right into it. It’s the block that’s preventing you from getting to your destination.
You know what you want or don’t want. A lot of times we know what we don’t want. We don’t want disappointment. We don’t want pain. We don’t want to be perceived as a bad person. We don’t want these things. But when it comes to what we do want to experience, we’re like, “Well, I don’t know that I can. I don’t know that I should. You know, I don’t know if I’m really capable of creating that. I don’t know if I can hold the pressure of,” and if I buy a new car, I don’t, this one I can just bumper park. Like I don’t if it gets scratched or door dinged, I don’t care.
And it’s kind of nice. That’s a different kind of luxury, right? It’s like, I don’t care what happens to this car. I can drive it into any parking lot and if it gets a door ding, I’m not even going to notice. So that’s a kind of luxury, but is it the net positive luxury you’re looking for? Would you like to have a new car, but you’re afraid it’s going to get a door ding or you’re afraid you’re not going to be able to handle it if it does get a door ding, right?
So what we do is we attach our identity with luxury. And we do so in the sense of our character, our integrity. So I want to offer an alternate thought for you to simmer, let it simmer, let it marinate a little bit here. Luxury isn’t just for you. When you receive something, you’re not receiving it in isolation. When I received that thriller album, yes, it was a gift given from my dad to me. But I wasn’t the only one who received the joy, the delight, the happiness, the feel good feels. It wasn’t just me. It was my dad was just as happy, if not happier than I was because he was able to give that to me. I don’t know what it took for him to give that to me. I’m so grateful he did and he was so proud of being able to do that because he knew how much it meant to me.
When we receive, we also give. So receiving more luxury in your leadership experience, in your campus experience, it is for us, all of us and for all of them. And when it’s for us and it’s for them, now we have it for the greater good. When we resist luxury, we’re actually resisting the experience we want to have and that’s meant for us to have, but we’re also rejecting it for those around us, for those we lead. If I had rejected that album from my dad, can you imagine how he would have felt? How awful he would have felt? Like that would have been so hurtful. And he probably would have been upset and would have been like, “Well, fine, like I’m not going to go out of my way and spend dollars that we could have spent on groceries or electricity to give you this album and that you don’t even care or that you’re like, ‘Oh, you shouldn’t have done that.'”
When you receive as the leader, everyone benefits because you’re all under the same roof. We’re all on the same team. When we say no to things, we’re saying no to our students, we’re saying no for our staff. So we have to expand our capacity. We have to, let ourselves be uncomfortable with receiving and push that boundary and be willing as the leader to experience the discomfort, like, “Wow, this just feels like so much. Thank you. Yes, thank you. Thank you for my students. Thank you for my staff. Yes.” Expanding our capacity to allow ourselves to, one, be grateful for what we have and two, desire bigger, better, more is for the greater good.
If there’s anything that you walk away with in this program, it’s that luxury, having nice things, it’s separate from your character. And what you receive and what you’re willing to desire and receiving it, it simply amplifies the character that you already are. It doesn’t create your character. You don’t become a nicer person because you get more things or you don’t become a bad person because you get more things. In your school, if it ends up receiving grants or scholarships or, you know, people will start want to start fundraising for you and you start receiving more things because you’re putting it out there, “We would love to have a new playground. I wonder how that’s possible.” And we’re thinking in terms of possibility. I wonder how it’s possible to create a wellness room. I wonder how it’s possible to hire this professional person we, you know, this PD person we want. I wonder how it’s possible.
When you put it out there and you say, “We want this, like let’s look at all the ways. Let’s make this possible. How could we do that? Let’s just playfully explore.” You’re planting seeds that says, “Hey, we’re open to receiving this.” But it’s not about your character. You don’t become an arrogant person because you’re received. If you’re arrogant, you’re going to be arrogant whether you receive or not.
So be the person you are meant to be. Be the human that you want to be. Be in alignment with your values and act in integrity on those values and invite luxury into your life, the land of and, both. Because if you’re honest and open and authentic and kind and generous and loving and, you know, having luxury will just amplify that. But if you’re a grinch, it’ll amplify that, right? So it just, just think about this. Like if you’re positive, you can allow that and it will just amplify. But if you’re tend to be negative, you’re then you’re going to be not grateful for what you do have and you’re going to be, you know, disappointed and mad that you don’t get what you want. It’s separate from who you are. So be the person. This is why I say in every one of my programs, it’s not the how, it’s the who. It’s who you’re being. If you’re being grateful for the little things and you’re grateful for what you have now, can you imagine how much gratitude and like your heart’s going to burst open the more you’re open to receiving.
I ask my clients this all the time, how good can it get? How much fun can you have? Because it’s not about, it has nothing to do with test scores. Like those are the result. But can you be in gratitude? Can you be in satisfaction without the test scores? Can you invite the luxury into your experience for your staff, your students, yourself, your families, totally separate from test scores?
So I want you to believe or at least try it on as a new thought that luxury is accessible right now, today, tonight, tomorrow. It’s accessible in the form of gratitude, in the form of belief, possibility, in the form of how you experience yourself, others, the lens through which you look at your school, your community, your job, the future. And when I say luxury, I’m talking about the feelings that you want to feel. I know that there is systemic oppression and I want to acknowledge that. There are schools who are in communities that have been systematically oppressed and they don’t financially, physically have the school building or the resources to maybe create what they would desire as a luxury experience. There’s no discounting or dismissing that. And even then, there is the opportunity to be grateful for what you do have in terms of the relationships and the kids that you’re serving and the families and the stories of triumph and success and the perseverance of your teachers.
So luxury really does apply to everyone on the planet because it’s not just about the financial luxuries. It’s about the luxury of friendships, connections, the satisfaction of productivity, of contribution. It’s putting your head on the pillow at night feeling luxurious because you have the luxury of being in this position and helping others. Teaching is a luxury. Learning is a luxury. Leading is a luxury, right?
There’s also a luxury, I haven’t mentioned yet, but it’s very important on a school campus, and that is the luxury of belonging. And this, I could do a whole another workshop on this. But I want to plant the seed here because we often, no matter how much luxury is around us, if we don’t feel that we belong in it or we don’t feel that we should be here or it’s a part of us or that we can access it, then it doesn’t matter how much luxury is around us. So we want to cultivate cultures of belonging at our schools. Even though most people at some point fear they don’t belong.
So how do we move through that? We have to trust that we are born to belong, right? Belonging is a decision that we make. I belong. I belong because I’m here. That’s it. There’s no argument, there’s no defending that, there’s no having to justify or explain it. I am because I am. I belong because I’m here. That’s it. This is my school. I belong. How do I know? This is where I go to school. That’s it. I belong. And if people doubt that, why would you not belong? What part of this doesn’t feel like you belong? We’re going to say, well, this person said this or this person did this or those people left me out or my grade level doesn’t talk to me. So like I feel like I’m out of the loop.
You decide you belong. You go to your grade level meeting and say, you know, I’d like to contribute this or I have a question about that and you engage as though you belong. You act as the person who belongs and the people will respond back to you as though you belong. I’ve gone to conferences where I was overwhelmed and I, you know, when you walk into a room and you don’t know anybody and you’re feeling like so alone and isolated, the first thing I will do is I will look for a spot that already has people. A lot of times people will go and sit at a table with no humans at it and then wait for people to come to them. And then if nobody comes to them, they’re like, “Oh my gosh, I feel so alone and isolated.”
What I do is I go into a room where there’s a seat and say, “Is this taken? May I sit down?” Because I belong. I walk into a room and I tell myself, “You belong here.” Whether I’m with my family, I belong. If I’m out with friends, I belong. If I’m at a five-star restaurant, a Michelin-star restaurant, I belong. If I’m driving through the fast food because we’re on the road, I belong here too. I get to belong everywhere. I belong at this school. I belong in this classroom. Having these conversations, empowering students that they belong, empowering staff that they belong, para-professionals, well sometimes have trouble with this because there is that hierarchy, you know, mental hierarchy that teachers are above or whatever.
Breaking all that down. We decide we belong and we act from a state of belongingness because belongingness can’t be granted to you. You can’t walk into a conference and somebody hands you a sticker that says I belong. You, oh, now I belong. Oh, well thank you for telling me. It doesn’t mean you feel like you belong. You belong if you decide you belong. We grant belongingness to ourselves and we want to teach kids to grant themselves belonging. I belong here. I belong in this line. I belong, you know, on the playground. I belong. I’m here. I matter. End of story.
So think about this, how do you show up when you go to a meeting? Do you feel like you belong in the admin meeting or not? And the reason this belonging matters when it comes to luxury leadership is that if you don’t think that luxury belongs to you or that you don’t belong in a luxury experience, you will reject it subconsciously. So we want to weave that into the culture of our school. Belongingness really matters. It matters because to experience luxury in our lives, we must believe that it belongs to us and we belong to it. It’s a culture, it’s a mindset, it’s a way of living, it’s a lifestyle, a leadership lifestyle that we are embracing here. I belong in this position, I belong at this school, I’m a member of our staff, I’m a member of the community. Luxury belongs at this school, not just for me, but for my students and my staff, and I stand by that. We deserve a luxury experience. We deserve it because we exist, because we are, because we belong.
So going back to basics, some of the basic luxuries are the best ones. Connection, communication, right? A smile, respect, being welcoming, inclusive, belonging, equity, you know, authenticity, having access. And we want to lead from these energies. We want to lead with gratitude and desire. We want to lead with belonging, the feeling of belonging. The warm fuzzies, right? We want to accept and allow luxury to come in.
So many times we don’t allow luxury because we don’t even consider that it’s an option. Think of something at your school that you’re always, like it’s kind of just this ongoing problem, but you’ve never even thought like what if that got fixed or what if this got improved? How great would life be if this were no longer on my to-do list or having to fix it every time? Right? We had a gate in when I was a kindergarten teacher, there was a gate and it had this, I don’t know who made this gate. It was a fence with this great big gate and then it had these big bolts that stuck out of it. And we kept saying to maintenance, “Take these out.” They’re, it’s just a problem. But you know, you kind of live with it because you forget about it and you’re going on with your day. Until one of my students, you know, five-year-old, walked by that gate and this big bolt was sticking out because it was poorly designed and it literally cut her eyelid clean open. I’m telling you, that gate was taken out that same day.
We don’t want to ignore the little luxuries that could just be handled and become a luxury. We don’t have to hit rock bottom where a student gets injured or worse. This poor little girl and thank goodness she did not lose any vision. I’ve had some terrible accidents as a principal, but that was my worst one as a teacher. I remember that to this day. It’s about thinking about what a luxury it would be and sometimes it’s such a simple solution. We just have to do. We have to get in masculine energy and get her done, right?
So leading with luxury is all about aligning to the energetics of it. And I when I say energetics, I just mean emotion, the emotional state you’re in. Being in gratitude, being in appreciation and being in desire, being in both. Being willing to be disappointed and going for it anyway, being willing to try and fail and still keep going for it anyway, because trying and being disappointed is better than never trying at all and turning the volume off.
So the Empowered Principal Collaborative is going to be teaching school leaders how to lead from luxury. EPC, there’s nothing like it. You come once a week, you get all the coaching you need, you get all of the lessons, all of this guidance, and we get into the alignment of luxury. Empowerment is a luxury. Feeling empowered, leading from empowerment is a luxury. And if we are going to improve the quality of our schools, we have to improve the experience that people feel, students, staff. It’s not about changing all the curriculum and it, we don’t have to dismantle the entire paradigm of education. We simply need to align with the energetics of what uplevels people, which is how they feel, their identity, what they believe they’re capable of, what they believe is accessible to them, what they believe they have access to in terms of empowerment and personal agency, independence, freedoms, permission to be different, how to be the leader that navigates what we actually need in school.
I just saw a Ted talk the other day on what schools, I mean there’s a million people like pontificating in a good way. Like we’re all having this conversation about what schools need. And I was right there with them. I believe what they were saying, but the missing link for me when I hear these things is in order to create external change, whether it’s, you know, what campuses look like, bell schedules, grade levels, curriculum, how we teach, the standardized, the testing, all that, they’re all of that’s external. But in order for that to happen, mindset has to change. Minds have to expand, and then our capacity to handle that new mindset, that new lens, that new perspective has to, we have to give ourselves a minute to grow into that, to strengthen, to condition ourselves. So we can tell schools, this is what it should look like on the external, but how do you go from where you’re at now to changing the external? You have to change the internal first. And that’s what EPC does.
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