Ep #357: Retirement Resistance

Hello empowered principals. Welcome to episode 357. 

Welcome to The Empowered Principal® Podcast, a not so typical educational resource that will teach you how to gain control of your career and get emotionally fit to lead your school and your life with joy by refining your most powerful tool, your mind. Here’s your host certified life coach Angela Kelly Robeck. 

Well, hello, my empowered principals. Happy Tuesday. Welcome to the podcast. Hey, if you’re new, drop a five-star review, leave a message, let me know how you are, that you’re in my world, I would love to meet you and say hello. I just love the podcast, and I love this audience, and I love the impact that we are having as empowered principals. It’s outstanding.

Today’s topic is going to be a little bit different than something I usually speak on, but I think it’s important to discuss whether you are considering this idea right now or nearly in your future, or maybe it’s 20, 30, 40 years off, but it also could apply to deciding to leave education. So today’s topic is on retirement resistance. 

I was coaching one of my clients who’s worked with me for years, and she’s near retirement. We’ve been kind of dabbling in the conversation of retirement for quite a while, on and off, on and off, on and off. This year, she said to me, I’m finally ready. We talked about that. We celebrated it, and we talked about it, and we were reflecting on the journey from being a school leader into considering retirement and then not considering retirement and then going back and forth on if retirement’s the right thing, or if resignation is the right thing. So there was a whole conversation on retirement or resignation to go somewhere else and try something different. 

So I want to talk about something that I think is actually quite common, which is retirement resistance, or if you’re not at retirement age, you could apply it to resignation resistance. It basically means you desire to leave the current position you’re in. You want to move to another district. You want to move to another position. You want to retire altogether from education and either try something else or live your best retired life. There’s something that you’re desiring.

So what I have observed is that the institution of education, the job that we are in, I feel like as educators, there is something so fascinating about it because it feels so personal. Because there is such a conviction, and we have a very specific set of leadership values, teacher values, educator values. We have strong opinions. We have a lot of passion around students and teaching and learning and the well-being of our staff and our students and the community. 

We’re very committed to the work even when it isn’t serving us, even when we don’t feel good or we’re disgruntled, or we are feeling emotionally, or mentally unwell because of the pressure and the intensity of the job. But what I have found, and this could be true in other industries but I can only speak to my own industry. I have found it to be true that there is a level of commitment that’s so profound that it almost presents itself like an addiction. 

So hear me out. When you think about people, humans, we are motivated by how things feel to us, the emotional experience we have. We seek out pleasurable things. We try to avoid pain as much as possible, and we try to make things as easy as possible. That’s the motivational triad of the brain. Seek things for pleasure, avoid things that are painful, and make things as easy as possible. 

We want to experience as much pleasure and joy and happiness and delight and success and accomplishment, fulfillment, all of those things. We want to not experience anything on the negative end, the negative emotional end of the spectrum, the pain, grief, struggle, frustration, embarrassment, discouragement, anger. There’s a million words that we use to describe it. 

We’re either feeling good, or we’re feeling bad. We’re looking to feel good, or we’re not looking to feel bad. We’re trying to avoid that. Then we want things to be easy, flow, fun, simple. We want things to click.

So knowing that, what I have found to be interesting is what motivates humans. Let me put it this way. When you think about video games and how they’re designed, video games are designed for you to fail, fail, fail, feel bad, get frustrated, but then like double down, and I’m going to get this level. I’m going to do whatever it takes to pass this level. We get dug in and we get so tunnel vision into figuring it out. Then we do it. We get that little hit of success. It feels really good. It’s just a moment. Boom, we pass the level. Zing, zing, zing, celebrate, celebrate. 

Okay, now here’s the next level. Guess what? It’s a little bit harder, a little more challenging. Even though you just passed that level and you got one opportunity to celebrate and have fun, you got this little hit of adrenaline or dopamine, and now we’re back at it. So there’s 99% grind, 1% hit, then a little bit more discomfort, and then a hit. 

I feel like school leadership is a little bit addicting that way. We have a lot of days that feel hard and then we get that good day. We’re like, oh my God. I could do this forever. This is the best feeling in the world. It’s euphoric when we have a great day or a great week, or we’ve solved a problem, or we’ve helped a student or a teacher, or we hired somebody we just absolutely love. Whatever it is, there are things that just make us fly. We feel like we could fly, and we want to do it forever. We want that emotional experience forever. 

But as you know, every celebration, every emotional experience that we have as a school leader, it’s temporary. We get hard day, hard day, hard day, ooh, a little bit of a good day here, or even a neutral day, which feels better than a hard day. We’ll take it. It feels good. Then we have a really good day, and we’re like oh, I love this. I want to do more of this. Hard day, hard day, hard day, hard day, hard day, and then another good day. 

So this client of mine for the last three years has been hard, hard, hard, hard oh, a little good day. I love this. I want to do this for kids. We get so addicted to this rollercoaster of it’s really hard, but a good day. It’s really hard, but a good day. 

I want to offer something. I want you to notice when you look at your experience in school leadership, is it half good, half bad? Are you in balance with like yeah, there’s hard days, but there’s lots of good ones too? Or is it there’s a few more hard days, but there are plenty of good days? Or is it it’s actually mostly really hard, and I might have a little bit of good that gets sprinkled throughout? 

Because that is actually how we’re wired. It’s like struggle, problem solve. It’s hard. Then we get that little hit, and it carries us into the next celebration. But for some of us, it’s so far between that we haven’t even realized how long it’s been since we felt good, since we’ve been rested, since we feel sufficient. We feel accomplished. We feel productive. We feel helpful. We are fulfilled in our job. We’re content. We’re satisfied. We feel amazing about ourselves, about our staff, about our school. 

So notice, take a moment to notice. On the balance scale, are you feeling really balanced? Is it pretty balanced, or is it actually imbalanced, and you’ve just gotten used to this is the pattern. It’s mostly bad, and I get a little bit of good. I want you to notice that.

The reason I bring this up is that this feeling, this balance of feeling, it’s one of the aspects we look at when we’re making the decision to stay or to go. So if you’re near retirement, but you’re like well, but the kids. I’m going to miss the kids. There’s so much more to do. This is some of the things I’ve been hearing with my clients who are near retirement. But there’s so  much more to do. I wanted to accomplish this. I didn’t want to leave this unfinished. 

Here’s what I have to offer. That’s simply another way of the success addiction grabbing you, getting your attention. It’s like but wait, if you leave now, you won’t get to pass this level. But then oh, wait, there’ll be another level. Then you won’t get to pass that. Don’t leave now because there might be another good moment coming.

So we get on this roller coaster of like I need to stay. What about these kids? What’s going to happen? So notice that if you are at all thinking about resigning to try a new experience or retiring to have a completely different experience, what I want to offer is notice the balance or the imbalance. What is driving you to stay? What’s driving you to go? Okay.

Now, here’s the beautiful thing with my client who was teeter-tottering back and forth. Number one, her son called her out. She was telling him, and he’s like, “Mom, you know you’re going to have a great day. Then you’re going to be like I can do this for 15 more years.” He’s like, “Don’t do that to yourself. You’re ready. It’s time. You have been so committed to your job that you lack rest. You lack relaxation. I don’t know that you know how to relax.” So he was kind of calling her out on some of these things out of love, of course. 

Then a few days later, she runs into a friend of hers, a former colleague who had retired years before her. She had never seen this person again since retirement. They sat down, they talked, they ended up having a conversation, cup of coffee. 

Her friend asked her, what about you? Because my client was asking all about the retirement. How’s it going? What does it feel like? What does it look like? What do you do with your time? She said, “It’s great. It’s this and that. But what about you? What are your plans?” She’s like, well, teeter-tottering, right? Notice this. Notice why. Is it because you think there’s something good around the bend, something good around the corner? 

I’m not trying to talk you out of your job at all. But what I am saying is be honest with yourself about your reasons for considering retirement and the reasons for staying. If it’s to chase the intermittent win or that next dopamine hit, if that’s all it is, it looks like this. Oh, I want to see my school through. I just want this one thing that I’ve been working on. I want to see it to the next level. I want to see it become accomplished. Or I want to get my vision here. Or I just want to graduate this group of kids. 

The problem is there will always be a group of kids who promotes or graduates. There will always be a project that you’re undertaking or trying to see through. There is never a finish line. You call the finish line. You decide the finish line. 

What happens is we get so caught up in the trap of, you’ve got to just do this. You have to be the one. You can’t leave. You’ve got to stay. These kids need you. These teachers need you. This community needs you. it’s true. You’re amazing. But also, it also will live on far past your time there. Your legacy will live on. 

But these teachers and students and families, they grow up. They move on. They get other jobs. They go to different schools. They move in and out of communities. You cannot lock yourself into a position for life because there’s something more you want to accomplish, or there’s another little addiction hit that you want to feel or experience. 

One of the brilliant things that my client’s friend told her was, if you want to retire, but you’re nervous about being so used to being so busy and feeling really guilty about not working or not contributing or not being at your school, a lot of us don’t retire because we think we’re going to feel guilty or we’re going to have so much time. What are we going to do to fill up our time? 

This is what the friend said. It’s exactly what I would have said because it’s my exact sentiments. If you’re considering retirement or you’re considering a resignation to try something new, embody that version of you now while you’re still in the position. Get online. Look around. What would you do with your time? Plan it. Envision it. Imagine it. Let’s say you just can’t wait to sleep in. Practice sleeping in on the weekends. If you can’t wait to work out, start working out now. Maybe you do it on the weekends or maybe you do it once a week.

Start becoming the version of you that is already retired. Start prioritizing things that you would do. You want to join a book club. You want to take up pickleball. You want to do a dance class. You want to just read books and do nothing. Start doing those things now. 

At the very least, if you don’t have the energy or the focus or the capacity to do it now, plan for it. Here’s what my life would look like if I had every day available. I’d sleep in. I’d take a walk. I’d get a cup of coffee with a friend. I would go to water aerobics. I would be in a book club, or I would learn to play cards. Whatever you want. That’s the whole point. You take back agency over your life. You take back ownership of who you are. 

This job, it’s a beast. It will consume every ounce of you mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically. It will take and take and take. But what I see is that we’re a little bit addicted to those wins, to those hits. We never want to give that up because we feel guilty, or we’re afraid of what people will think, or we’re afraid we’re leaving somebody hanging. 

But the truth is this. You guys, I’ve done this. I had the same thoughts, the same fears. I resigned from my district of 22 years. It was such a hard decision at the time. I thought all of those worries and struggles and problems were going to come with me, and I was still going to worry about them, but I wouldn’t have the capacity to fix them. I couldn’t be further from the truth. 

What really happened when I resigned and started my company is that I had an entire new set of things to think about. I was thinking about starting this podcast and writing my book and learning how to market these coaching tools in a way that would support school leaders. 

I remember when I first resigned, I felt so guilty if I went to the grocery store during the week, like during a work day, quote unquote, if I ran an errand, or I was worried I’d be seen out in public. But I was like, wait a minute. I’m not even working for the district anymore. I’m an adult. Why am I feeling like a child who’s skipping school? That’s what it feels like. You go through these waves of guilt. 

I had to give myself permission like you are a grown woman. You can go to the grocery store on a Tuesday if you need to. No one’s controlling your life. It can feel in some cases, particularly site leadership, where you feel you’re under the control of the district leaders, of the policies, of the schedule, whatever. So it can feel so uncomfortable to retire or resign and be doing something else on a different schedule altogether. 

You’re going to have to work through like it’s safe. I have permission. It’s okay. This is my life. I’m the one in charge. I set the rules. I set the terms. I set the parameters of who I want to be. 

So if you’re considering retirement, if you’re looking at resigning and either getting out of education or trying something different in education or simply just trying a new school or a new district, you want to be planning for that now. You want to be thinking about it now. It’s almost November. You’re almost halfway there. It will come before you know it. You want to be able to start embodying what it feels like and envision who you will be as the version of you that has agency and control over your life and is no longer addicted to the very small hits that come with the happiness. 

Now, for those of you listening to this podcast and you’re like I’m so happy. I love my job. Of course, this isn’t directly for you, but I will say this. Do notice the dopamine chase. If you are chasing dopamine hits, notice it. 

Here’s what we do. When something good happens, we feel really good about ourselves, and we identify it as a good leader. When something bad happens, we feel terrible personally, and we make it something about us personally, and we tell ourselves, I’m not a good leader. This isn’t working. Notice the all-in-one thinking, notice the dopamine chase, and notice if you’re in resistance to a new experience, a new lifestyle. 

If at all you feel trapped, if at all you feel like education’s all you know, and you can’t imagine your life outside of education, please start imagining your life outside of education. This is a podcast to empower principals, but part of empowering you is reminding you that you are the one in control of your life. You have agency over your life. You get to make the rules, the parameters. You decide how many hours a day you work, how many hours a week you work, what district you work for. 

You can work hard for your district. You can work hard and love your job, but not if it’s consuming you, not if you feel afraid to leave. That’s not healthy. 

So contemplate this over the week as you’re listening to the podcast, as you’re thinking about your week, create awareness around why you love your job and are you dopamine chasing or do you genuinely feel a sense of balance, a sense of agency, a sense of empowerment over your life even though you are in school leadership. That’s the balance I help people with. 

We need people in school leadership, but we need them balanced. We need them to feel empowered. We need them to feel like they have agency over their life and some level of control over their time and how they spend it and when they say no and not just chasing the one good day every few weeks or the one good week every few months.

If you know somebody who’s in education who is considering retirement or isn’t happy at all, and they’re wondering why they feel so trapped, please share this podcast with them. They don’t understand why they feel so addicted to the job, why they feel so resistant to quitting or resigning or retiring. This is why. It takes a well-managed mind to be able to find the joy in all of the days and to manage those hard days and to not make it mean something about us.

Something to consider. Please share this. If you know anybody who is struggling or thinking of retirement but on the fence or thinking of moving up, promoting, resigning, getting a different job, any kind of transition they’re looking for, share this with them. Share the podcast with them. Share this episode particularly or the podcast in general because we want to help people make empowered decisions and to feel a sense of control and agency over your life. 

Your job should not be dictating every aspect of your life. If it feels that way, it really is time to reconsider if you have any resistance to resigning, to promotions, to a new change, or to retirement. So with that, have a beautiful week, and I will talk with you all next week. Take good care of yourselves. Bye. 

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