Ep #280: Allowing an Urge

Hello empowered principals. Welcome to episode 280. 

Welcome to The Empowered Principal™ Podcast, a not so typical educational resource that will teach you how to gain control of your career and get emotionally fit to lead your school and your life with joy by refining your most powerful tool, your mind. Here’s your host certified life coach Angela Kelly Robeck. 

Well, hello my empowered principals. How are you this fine day? Welcome to the podcast. So happy you’re here. I’m thrilled to be here with you. I wish we could all be in person. Someday, probably in the very near future, we might be. I might be offering a live event. So you better be on the lookout for that. 

There are a lot of things moving and shaking over here at the Empowered Principal™ program. I’m going to be announcing them very, very soon. So I’m just going to drop that little teaser. There are big changes coming to the Empowered Principal™ program, and I cannot wait to share them with you. More on that later. I’ve got to keep it under wraps until I’m ready to reveal the excitement. So be on the listen, be on the lookout. 

All right, I’m going to talk about something not as exciting as my new secret announcement. I’m going to talk about allowing an urge. This is an honor. I just had a consult today. So I’m going to shout out to one of my clients. She’s going to be a client. Whether she is today or tomorrow, she’s coming. This is for you. Because I want to talk about allowing an urge. 

What is an urge? We’re just going to start with a definition. An urge is a sentence in our mind. It tends to repeat itself very often. It’s telling us to do something or to say something. It is energy inside of our bodies. There is a sentence that tells you eat the cupcake, have another chocolate, order dessert, get that extra glass of wine. 

There is a sentence in your mind. I’m using weight loss because it seems so universal. But it’s telling us have the thing, have the thing, have the thing. You want it, but you don’t. You want it, but you don’t. This energy, this tension builds up inside of your body. You have one thought telling you yes, another thought telling you no. There’s a conflict inside of your mind. It builds up tension. It generates this energy that feels very intense. 

We want to release that energy and release that pressure by responding to the urge and reacting to it, by giving into it or allowing it to tell us what to do. When we try to ignore it, it gets more intense. Have you noticed that? 

For example, emails. This is a really practical example in the school leadership world. Emails feel extremely urgent, right? There is an urge to be on email and answering emails and responding to emails. When we do that, when we go in and we get those emails, now we’re thinking about them, and we’re stewing about them, especially if we get an angry email. Or we get somebody who’s blaming us or judging us or criticizing us or pointing fingers at us, blaming us, whatever. 

Now our brain is trapped. It’s caught in to the cycle. Check the emails, check the emails, check the emails. 

You might say, “Oh, emails are driving me crazy. I feel like I should be on all of the time. I feel like I should be answering all the time. But when I’m doing that, I’m not getting other things done. I just hate emails. I wish they would go away. I don’t want to deal with them.”

But when we don’t deal with the urge, and we don’t acknowledge the urge and identify where it’s coming from, we never figure out a solution. This is why it’s hard to change a habit. When we are unaware and we’re just reacting without awareness to an urge, like an urge to answer the email, we develop that pattern. Every time we feel the urge, we give in and check the email. 

I think that’s like Pavlov’s dogs or something where they salivate just at the sound of the bell because we taught them that to get that instant gratification of when the bell rings, you get food. When the bell rings, you get food. Then the bell rings, and then they started salivating even when there wasn’t food. I think that’s how it goes. I don’t know for sure. But the point is you’re doing this, the email dings, there’s the bell, and you give in. You get the urge. 

What happens is giving into that urge feels really good because there’s a dopamine hit associated with it. There’s a release of tension from the body. Ah, I check the email. Oh, I’m curious what it is. Oh, there it is, right. There is a chemical reaction happening in your body when you feel an urge. There is a sentence that goes through your mind. I’ve got to check that email. I’ve got to know what’s happening. I need to deal with this right away. I got to stay on top of my email. 

There’s a stressor in there. Even though you might not want to be an email, you told yourself like okay, I’m going to be proactive. I talked about being proactive last week. But I’m going to be proactive, and I’m going to check email three times a day. I’m not going to check email in between. But then it dings, and there’s the urge, right? You want to check the email. 

Now, when you are unaware of how to manage that urge, you end up giving into it. You cannot control an urge simply by willpower, white knuckling it. You will eventually give into it because the pressure and energy that builds up inside your body, it just gets too intense. The urge will win out. It’s like eating right? We try to white knuckle it and not eat the dessert or flour or sugar or bread or whatever you’re trying to cut out. You want it, but you don’t. You want it, but you don’t. There’s that internal conflict. That conflict is just building up inside of you.

So unintended habits, unwanted habits, are formed from unaware urges. That urge to have few extra bites or another glass of wine. The urge to sleep in versus getting up and going for your walk. The urge to watch one more Netflix episode versus going to bed when you said you would. Do you see it? We get instant gratification, which is a dopamine hit from giving into the urge, but what we’re doing is strengthening the urge. 

So when we’re unaware or we ignore those urges, we let that urge slip into the driver’s seat of our lives. It starts making decisions for us. It controls what we say when we’re upset or angry or frustrated. It takes over how we make decisions when we’re feeling insecure or we’re doubting ourselves. We’re giving into the urge. 

The urge is an emotion, and it feels really intense. But there is a way to have urges because you can’t extinguish them, but you can allow them without responding to them. You can hear the ding of that email and feel the urge rise up in your body, and then allow it. Like oh, an email came in, but I’m not going to check email until noon. Now what? You’re sitting in this space of I’m aware that there’s an email in my inbox, but I have made a promise to myself, I have made a commitment, a vow to myself that I’m not checking email until noon today.

So what do you do? You allow that urge, that vibration, that energy to be present in your body, and you acknowledge it. I feel you. I want to answer that email too, but let’s think about this. What’s the benefit of answering it right now? Then I get to know what’s going on. I get to answer that email and have it be off my to do list. 

There is a reason that that urge is there. There is a benefit to answering that email immediately. You do get a dopamine hit. You get to know what’s in that email. You get to handle that email, and have it be off your list. I get it. I do that all the time. There is a reason a benefit to why we do that. We just need to understand like oh, I know there is a benefit. I get to know what the email says. I get to respond to the email, and I don’t have to worry about it. 

There are lots of reasons why we give into urges, and they make sense. They actually do give us some form of benefit. So when we have an urge that we don’t want to respond to or react to, we want to learn how to be in control of it in the driver’s seat of our urges. We have to just get kind of intimate with that urge. Oh, I’m feeling an urge to answer that email. 

So I know why I want to, but let’s talk about why I don’t want to. Why is it better not to answer the email? What’s in it for me if I don’t answer that email? Oh, I’m not at everyone’s beck and call 24/7, 365. Oh, I’m training people to be able to wait patiently until I answer at the time I told them I would answer. 

If you’re going to set, by the way, this is a side note. If you’re going to set up I answer email, once in the morning, once at noon, once before I go home, or you’re going to just do it beginning and end of day, whatever you decide. If you’re going to check email at specific times of day, number one, please communicate that out with people so they know. 

If they’re going to email you, they’re going to expect to receive an answer beginning of day or end of day or middle of day, whatever is best for you. Make your plan and then you’ve got to communicate that out. Because the truth is people think that email, I could probably do a whole podcast on emailing. But people think that email is an urgent response communication device. 

Guess what? It’s not. It’s not. 911 is an emergency communication device. Calling you on your phone multiple times until you pick up or texting you until you answer, that’s more emergency communication device. Email is very passive. We have to remind people of that. Do you know how people send an email, and then they call you. “Hey, I just sent you an email? Did you see it?” No, I didn’t see it because it’s an email. I opened my mail when I chose to open my mail. 

So if you want to stop answering and giving into the urge to check your email, and when that ding goes off, you can say ah, I know there is a benefit if I do it now, but what’s the benefit if I don’t do it? What’s in it for me? How is it better to not? 

Oh, I learn how to self-regulate, and not just give in to every whim and request on demand. I get more in control of my calendar. I say when I answer emails, and I train people if you really do have a real emergency, this is the protocol. It’s not email, I’ll tell you that, because I don’t sit at my desk and read emails all day. I’m out leading my school. 

Okay, so you can apply this to overeating. When you feel the urge to whenever you snack, like if you get stressed and you snack, or you’re bored and you snack, same thing. What’s the benefit of giving in to the urge, but what’s the benefit of not? Just sitting with that. It’s like oh, here’s the feeling in my body. It feels very buzzy. It feels very restless. It feels very urgent. I feel like I need to give into it, or I’m going to die. That feeling like I can’t stand it. 

You can stand it. Ask yourself, how is it possible that I can allow an urge without responding to it? What’s gonna happen on the other side of this? Because here’s what you’re going to find. Urges pass. They come and they peak and then they go. I’ll notice that sometimes I’ll have a little chocolate after my lunch or after dinner, after a meal. Sometimes I feel the urge so strong to have it. If I feel that urge is really intense, I make myself sit there and feel it. I’ll do it for five minutes. 

Then if the urge is still there, sometimes I’ll have the chocolate and sometimes I won’t. I think I’ve talked about this that earlier podcasts. Whatever with me and chocolate, but whatever it is for you. But I know for school leaders email is one thing. It could be answering your phone. 

You know where you feel an urge and that you tend to give into it. Whether that’s a knock on your office door, an email dinging, your phone texting or buzzing. There are things in school leadership that feel very urgent, and you will have an urgent desire to answer to that urge. 

I invite you to practice. It’s such a great skill to step into. This is a part of empowerment. When you can allow an urge, let it be present in the body. Let it vibrate, feel it, acknowledge it. Hey, I see you. I hear you. I feel you. I get it, and here’s what we’re going to do today. 

Because an urge is a tantrum. It’s like a toddler tantrum. I’ve got to do this right now. I’ve got to have it right now. Me, me, me. Give it to me now. Right? You’re gonna say I get it. I know. It would be really good to answer that email. It would be really great to pick up that phone or give in to that knocking of the door, but the benefit of not is so much bigger. Because I decide my time. I decide when I respond. I decide if it’s an emergency or not. If it’s an emergency, you go. If it’s not, it’s okay to just hold space for it and let it be present. 

So, for those of you out there who feel like you can’t let an urge be present without reacting to it, I’m here for you. This is what I teach. This is what I do. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it out loud, perhaps I’ll do a workshop on it. So for the Empowered Principal™ clients, I’ll do a workshop on allowing an urge. That will be a free training available to you. When you all sign up for coaching, I’m going to put that as one of the Empowered Principal™ training programs. 

I’m going to do that. I just decided that. That’s how this works. I love that I own my own company and get to make my own decisions. I just decided I’m going to do that for you guys. I’m going to teach you how to allow an urge. This is how you’re going to change habits. It’s how you’re going to unlearn a habit and create an intentional habit. It’s how you’re going to manage your time. It’s how you’re going to manage your calendar and your schedule. It’s how you are going to lead with complete empowerment and intention. It’s going to be so amazing. 

Have a great week, you guys. Allow those urges. Tell yourself the benefit of getting through that urge. I promise you that urge doesn’t last forever. It will pass. Okay. Go out there, and have an amazing week. Love you guys. Talk to you soon. Bye.

If this podcast resonates with you, you have to sign up for the Empowered Principal™ coaching program. It’s my exclusive one to one coaching and mentorship program for school leaders who believe in possibility. This program is designed for principals who are hungry for the fastest transformation in the industry. If you want to create the best connections, impact, and legacy for yourself and your school, the Empowered Principal™ program was designed for you. Join me at angelakellycoaching.com/work-with-me to learn more. I’d love to support you in becoming an empowered school leader.

Thanks for listening to this episode of The Empowered Principal™ Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode and want to learn more, please visit angelakellycoaching.com where you can sign up for weekly updates and learn more about the tools that will help you become an emotionally fit school leader.