Ep #135: Valuing Your Own Opinion

Hello, empowered principals. Welcome to episode 135.

Welcome to The Empowered Principal Podcast. A not-so-typical educational resource that will teach you how to gain control of your career and get emotionally fit to lead your school and your life with joy by refining your most powerful tool, your mind. Here’s your host, Certified Life Coach, Angela Kelly Robeck.

Well hello, empowered leaders. Happy Tuesday, and welcome to the end of July. Again, I am recording this podcast about a month out, so it is nearing the end of June. And at least here in California, we are, for the most part, still in quarantine.

We’re still working from home. We’re still not mingling with family or friends, let alone strangers at bars and restaurants, right? I know a lot of people are deciding to spend time with loved ones that they miss very dearly, and they’re doing so really carefully. I respect that. And then, there are other people who are choosing to spend time in all kinds of ways. They’re at the beaches or they’re at Costco, or all the things.

So, people are doing a variety of social distancing or social interactions, and it’s all good. So, I bring this up because I’m fascinated by how people’s thinking is impacting their actions and how other people respond to people’s choices.

So, my teacher friends, most of us are teachers, or are in education at some level, or were educators. So, we’ve been having tons of conversations about just the impact of how everybody’s thinking and how they’re feeling and how they’re kind of managing their mind around COVID and pandemics and going back to school in the fall and all of it.

So, I really have been digging into these conversations with my friends. And it’s so interesting how some of my teacher friends are really struggling to stay distant now that it’s summer. You know, with no summer school going on this year, most of them are used to working all summer, they’re finding themselves just hanging out at home and they have nothing to do for the first time in years. And some of them, this is their first summer off ever.

So, I can see how quarantine is impacting the way they’re thinking and how they’re feeling and how their brains are kind of talking them into and convincing them either one way or the other. They’re either being convinced that they’re totally paranoid and they need to stay put and they won’t leave for anything, or they are in the middle, where they’re kind of consciously deciding if everybody that they want to see are safe, are they healthy? Are they able to take a calculated risk? And so, they’re seeing a very small circle of people.

And then, I’ve got other friends who are just, “I want to go. I can’t take this anymore. I’m willing to take the risk. I’m healthy. I’m young.” Whatever it is.

So, for me, when I think about wanting to bust out of here, my brain slows me down and starts thinking about why we’re here in the first place, what the purpose of quarantine is, even though it’s taking longer than we thought, what might happen with the long-term consequences of my urge to get out and be in public?

And then I have another friend who she’s kind of on the other end of the spectrum, where she’s decided to take calculated risks. She’s a retired teacher. She lives in an area where there’s almost no cases. She’s personally been tested and people in her social circle have all been tested. So, she’s happily gathering with people in a small group on a regular basis.

But she’s coming from this place of feeling very confident, that she’s making informed decisions and she’s analyzing her actions. And she feels very confident about that.

And then I have another friend who’s much younger and she’s kind of busting out. She’s spending more time out. She’s very young. She’s very healthy. She stayed completely quarantined for the first, I don’t know, eight, 10 weeks or so, and has recently just decided to travel to see family.

So, she’s taking precautions, but she’s not, like, overly fearful or overly cautious. She’s just doing what she thinks she needs to do. She’s ready to go see people. She’s made a decision. That’s it.

So, I’m just finding it fascinating to hear all of people’s thoughts and just to watch what’s going on and how we’re all approaching this, even though we’re friends and we have similar ideas and thoughts, you know, we’re not identical in our thinking. And so, I’m loving how we’re watching it all play out.

Anyway, I wonder what you’re thinking and feeling too. I know that in some places, quarantine is no longer a thing. In other places, it still is. And probably by July, I keep saying this every month, but hopefully by the end of July, as this airs and you’re listening to this, we are able to be out and enjoy the end of summer. So, I wish you well. I hope you are healthy. And I hope that you are able to do what you want to do with those that you want to do it with and that you feel safe doing so.

So, this whole story kind of brings me into today’s topic. And that is this. It’s actually a very vital concept. I feel like it’s an extremely important skill to have and to implement as you lead your schools, now and for evermore. And that is this.

We want to tune into our own opinions and value them and honor them as equitable opinions on the table, as we also honor and value and listen to and consider the opinions of other people, specifically when it comes to the professional setting.

As a school leader, we have been taught to get all stakeholders’ input, to listen, to get consensus, to collaborate. We’re expected, as school leaders, to take all of that in and take all of that into consideration before we make decisions. However, for some of us, for some of you, the experience on the other end of that may not be the same.

And what I mean by that is you’re expected to gather input and to consider all stakeholders as a leader, yet when you are being led by your higher ups, your bosses, the powers that be in your district or in your county or in your state, however you are organized, you might not feel like you’re being asked for your input, your values, your opinions, your beliefs, your ideas, your thoughts.

And even if you are being asked to share them, you might be in a situation where you don’t feel like they’re authentically being heard or respected or taken into true consideration. Like, they’re kind of placating you, they’re just asking you what your thoughts are, and then they move on with their decision anyway. Has that happened to you?

I can say with all honesty that there were times where I felt that we were asked of the opinion and then it was put to the side. So, I want to talk about this today. It just came up in a coaching conversation with one of my clients. And I want to share why it’s so critically important to value your own opinion in addition to valuing the input of others.

This is one of the most important things you can do as a school leader. And I’m going to share her story with you. I have her permission to share this story. I’m going to share it in a very generic and vague way with some of the details, because I want to honor her privacy and our confidentiality agreement.

But she has agreed that this story will be very helpful for other school leaders, whether you apply it to professional settings, or even personal settings where you disagree or you’re honoring the value of somebody else’s opinion over your own. She thinks it’s of value, so I really want to thank her. And if you’re listening, my darling, thank you so much for this powerful coaching session today. It was wonderful.

So, let me share how this concept works in real time by sharing her experience. And I also want to preface this story by saying that some of the things I might share with you may involve opinions that differ from your own. And in order to gain the most out of what I’m about to share, you will need to see how your own beliefs might either align or oppose to the opinions of this client, and how that alignment or unalignment can make you burrow kind of deeper down into your own beliefs.

You know that feeling of when somebody agrees with you, it reinforces what you believe, and when someone disagrees with you, it makes you dig your heels in and it reinforces what you currently believe, You might feel yourself going through that as you hear this story.

I know, for me, I had to, like, be really clear that I was holding space for her. But I want you to try and observe this story from the place of neutrality as much as possible. It’s just like what you have to do when you’re having a conversation with a student.

You want to listen with as much neutrality as you can. This is what I mean by holding space for someone. So, in this story, see if you can hear it without attaching to one opinion or the other, so that you can see how the power of valuing your own opinion will have for you.

So, the situation is that there’s a district-level meeting regarding the opening of school in the fall. And in the course of conversation, there was a three-hour meeting. And I’m sure you all are in these multi-hour meetings, deciding and redeciding and redeciding about what to do.

In this particular situation, the district officials, including the school board, were having a conversation about how to approach the beginning of next year. And the conversation included, like, how they were going to address the idea of coming back to school in person.

So, what kinds of safety procedures and kind of social distancing procedures they were going to use. Were they going to include taking temperatures, masks, social distancing desks six feet apart? You get the idea. You’re in the conversations. You know what I’m talking about. There are layers upon layers of conversations to be had about how all of this will play out.

So, the district officials were kind of going down a direction that didn’t feel aligned with the principals. So, the principal’s opinion of what she felt was important and what her beliefs were, were not feeling aligned to where this conversation was going.

And at one point, she did speak up and share her thoughts. And her thoughts were acknowledged. But they kind of ended up getting to the side, you know, they got overridden, and the conversation just kind of went back to square one and they started spinning on that again.

And as she would share out and then be slightly acknowledged but not taken truly into consideration, her brain went to some interpretations of what was going on here. So, the district’s having the conversation and she wasn’t feeling fully acknowledged and they weren’t discussing the implications of her thoughts, her ideas, or the impact it might have.

She was expressing some concern about how these decisions might impact her ability to lead or how these decisions might be interpreted by families or staff members. And in the end, my client’s interpretation was that she didn’t feel like all of her input, maybe, had been considered fully.

And the thought that came into her head was, “Why bother speaking up?” So, I asked her to elaborate on that and she said, “Well, I don’t feel the value. They are not valuing my opinion.” And I said, “But what held you back from being heard? What stopped you from being heard?”

And it came up that, “Well, I have to follow the plan. I don’t really have much control over this. I’m expected to honor the decision and I’m going to have to suffer the consequences of their decision.” She had a lot of thoughts about why they were making the decision they were making, what they were basing it on.

That part did not feel aligned to her value and there was some dissonance there and some conflict, internal conflict and discord within herself. But at the same time – so, she had this belief that this approach wasn’t in alignment with her and what she believed to be in the best interest of students.

And she also had this series of thoughts about being a first-year principal and being a female principal and not wanting to rock the boat and not wanting to speak up and not wanting to be seen as somebody who is a disruptor or somebody who’s being over-dramatic or over-cautious.

And when we dug deeper into that, you can imagine that if you’re a female, if you’re a first-year, you’re trying to toe the line. You’re wanting to not be seen as a problem. You want to not – in the worst-case scenario, you don’t want to be seen as not worthy of the job. You don’t want to lose your job. You don’t want to not be able to get another job because people don’t give you good recommendations or whatever. Your brain can go way down the path to worst-case scenario.

So, we had to break this all down and look at each and every thought and how it was impacting the way she showed up. And I showed her through this process how her brain was choosing to value the opinions of others over valuing her own opinion, and how often we do this in our work, how often we do this as women leaders, how often people of color feel the need to do this in order to stay at the table, in order to keep the job, in order to be treated fairly and seriously.

So, it was an eye-opener to me how inequitable the opinion of people’s thoughts at that table were. And what I mean by that is what my client was thinking, she was looking at that, and in that moment, she wasn’t feeling courageous enough to stand by what she believed her opinion was.

I want to break this down even more because it’s hard to talk about it in vague terms, but again, I want to honor and respect some of the privacy here. But what’s probably happening in your brain is this; you’re either relating to this in one way or the other. You’re like, either feeling angry and feeling like, “Why didn’t she speak up? She should have said something and honored her opinion and this is the way we make change.”

Perhaps you’re thinking, “I can totally see why she was afraid. I can see why she backed away. I see why she feels conflicted. She’s feeling scared, but at the same time, she’s feeling that’s he doesn’t have the power or control or that’s he just has to succumb to whatever consequences are coming her way.”

So, you may agree with the client. You may agree with the district. You might feel like you’ve been in a situation where a decision was made, not by you, but that it was your job as the face of that school, as the leader of that school, to have to deal with the outcome or the consequences of that decision, even though it wasn’t your decision. And then what do you do, what do you say?

What do you say to a parent who comes to you with a concern about a decision that you didn’t make when you don’t agree with the decision, being in that situation? That’s a pickle, right?

I have been in that situation. I am sure I’ve shared this situation with you, where the district wrote letters and sent them out but put the school leader’s names on them so that when parents received the letters on truancy, they came back to the school site and we were kind of blind-sided by angry parents who received a letter from the district who put our names on it and we didn’t know they were going out with our names on it.

So, I could really relate to this with that experience. And I can imagine that many of you out there are feeling that burn of the district or the county or the state or the federal government, all of the people who have opinions and have decision-making, that feel like it’s happening to you and you don’t have control. You might be feeling super frustrated, but also feeling like you have to be in agreement and comply for fear of retribution in some way.

So, I want you to let that dissonance be present, however you’re feeling, whatever the conflict that you might be experiencing hearing this story, I want you to let that dissonance be present in your body as you break this down.

So, if we look at the STEAR Cycle, the situation is that schoolyear 2021 is happening. Plans are happening. Things are changing by the minute. It’s probably the craziest year you’ve ever had. And if you are ending your first year as a school leader, you’re probably wondering, “Why did I do this?”

So, hang tight. The schoolyear is coming. Decisions are being made. And there is discussion – it’s still neutral – there is a discussion regarding plans for the reopening of school this fall. That is the situation.

Now, your thoughts about that conversation, or the plan, or how your district is choosing to approach the 2021 schoolyear, you’re going to be flooded with thoughts about it. You’re either going to be fully in agreement. You’re going to be somewhere in the middle. Or you’re going to be feeling complete disagreement.

In this case, the client’s thoughts were, “I don’t agree, but I also don’t feel I can speak up or push back because I don’t have control.” And I want you to notice that when we believe that we can’t speak up or push back and that we lack control, it leaves us feeling powerless and helpless and subject to the consequences of somebody else’s decisions.

And I also want you to notice how these thoughts conflict. There are thoughts that I have no control, I have to suffer the consequences of other people’s decisions and actions. I have to support the decisions that I don’t agree with. But I also have to stay in good standing with the team. I need to honor my district team. I don’t want to be seen as overdramatic or combative.

So, there’s this dissonance within yourself. There’s conflict within yourself. And if you step back and you look at the whole story, at least this is what my client did, her brain just said, “I got overwhelmed.” And when I hear the word overwhelmed, what I know happens is that the brain is saying, “I’m in freeze mode. I want to shut down and I also want to shut down my ability to think and decide and problem-solve and take action.”

So, what we have to do to combat freezing and going into overwhelm and lockdown is that we have to slow down our brain and take a look at each thought, one thought at a time. You have to look at the thoughts that are telling you, you don’t have control, you have to suffer the consequences, your opinion doesn’t matter, that you have to support decisions you don’t agree with.

You have to look at all of that and how it’s impacting the way you show up. And you also have to look at the thoughts that are saying that I have to agree, I can’t, you know, be seen as over-dramatic or combative, I’m afraid I’ll lose my job, I need to get along with the team, or whatever your thoughts are.

You have to look at both sides of them because what’s happening is that the conflicting thoughts have your brain feeling like it’s in a Catch-22. It feels like you can’t decide one way or the other because your brain is like, “Wait a minute, I’m at a T-intersection, and left turn and right turn are dead ends. There is danger along both paths.”

And here’s the deal. It’s true. It’s actually true. You’re going to experience negative consequences if you turn left or if you turn right. So, whatever you decide, compliance with the district f you disagree, there’s going to be that internal pain and suffering that you feel when you don’t feel aligned to that decision, and then you feel out of control, and then you have to deal with the consequences of other people’s actions.

That whole belief system, there’s pain involved there. There’s pain with complying when you don’t feel aligned. There’s pain with feeling powerless. There’s pain with having to deal with the outcomes of decisions that other people are making. There’s pain with not valuing your own opinion.

Let’s say you take a right and you’re like, “Nope, I’m going to process my thinking. I’m going to align my thinking. I’m going to stand up and value my own opinion over the opinion that I’m hearing. I’m deciding that I need to express what I say.” You’re going to hit some bumps on that path because you’re going to have to feel the fear and be courageous and speak up for yourself.

You’re going to have to feel the pain when people reject what you have to say or push down what you have to say. You’re going to have to speak up again and again. You have to find the courage over and over again. And you’re going to have to perhaps live with the outcome that even though you took the courage and you took the leap of faith in spite of fear and you said what you wanted to say, the consequences of that may be that nothing happens.

You still have to deal with the other things, and perhaps you are seen in a different light. And let’s say it goes to worst-case scenario. Let’s say they’re upset with you for pushing back, they don’t value principals having a voice or pushing hard and asking for their input to be considered, and they let you go. It could be that.

Which is why you feel stuck. Your brain is looking at both sides and it’s feeling like there isn’t a win. And I want to show you how valuing your own opinion comes into play here.

When you find yourself in a situation where you honestly disagree but you also believe you’re going to have to agree, you’re definitely at a crossroads and you’re going to have to act on either one belief or the other. And as I just explained, each holds its own consequences and outcomes.

So, before you act, you have to make a decision. And before you decide, before you make that decision, you have to understand what’s influencing your decision, which is what? Quiz… it’s your thoughts.

And for most of us, the opinions of others typically win out our influence on our decisions. When we have thoughts and we believe that they’re the boss and they’re right and that they’re in charge and that they have power over us, we think we can’t question them or we think we shouldn’t question them, we don’t think it’s respectful, or we don’t want them to think we’re causing problems. We don’t want them to think that we aren’t valuing our job.

Or, as I said, we might worry that we’re being tagged as trouble-makers or that we’re going to lose our job. Like, living in a van down by the river, we’re never going to get another job. Our brain goes there. It’s so mean.

It always defaults to the worst-case scenario. And in some ways, you know, let it. Let it go there. let it go to the place where it’s like, “Okay, what happens then? What happens then? What happens then?

And then if you want to go down that path, go to the worst-case scenario and then decide how you’re going to handle it. If that should happen, what’s my plan? How am I going to come back from this? How will I bounce? How will I thrive? Once you have a plan, not afraid of the worst-case scenario. Or less afraid, I should say.

So, what nobody has taught us to do, and what we certainly do not teach in schools, and I hope that this changes in my lifetime, is that no one teaches us to question our default beliefs that other people’s opinions are more important.

We teach kids: value the teacher’s input, the teacher is right, the information I am sharing with you is right, what the adults say on campus is right, don’t question us, do as we say, not as we do. We don’t teach kids: question, push back, ask me for this. We tell them to do that, but we don’t really mean it on the day to day.

And so, we, growing up, as adults, we certainly didn’t learn that in the 70s, 80s, or 90s. So, there is no concept of what it means to value our own opinion. So, what I invite you to consider is what percentage of time do you spend thinking about what others think and valuing other people’s opinions versus spending time thinking about what you think about?

What are your opinions? What are your thoughts? What do you think about? Do you have answers to your own questions? Do you think that your opinion matters? Can you see the value in your opinion? Do you think you are brilliant? Do you think you have answers?

And it doesn’t mean that the other person doesn’t have great answers or that their opinion isn’t valid. So, if your district is, like, “We’re going all in. we’re going to bring all the kids back. We’re not going to really give them a mask. We’re not going to take their temperature. We’ll put out some Purell and call it a day, and maybe put the desks a few feet apart so that parents feel like their kids are safe.”

And you’re saying to yourself, “Oh my gosh, no, I don’t agree with that.” You can listen to the perspective of that other person and seek to understand why they’re thinking this way, and you can also value your opinion and align to that opinion.

So, what would happen if you chose to act in alignment with your opinion and your value? So, let’s go down each path, right? I’m going to show you a STEAR Cycle for both.

Number one, the path of somebody else’s opinion. You feel the urge to agree and you also feel the conflict of your opposition to their stance. You worry about the outcome of not valuing their opinion over your own, so you agree and you comply out of the fear of what might happen, the outcome.

Eventually, frustration and resentment set in as you find yourself having to deal with the outcomes of their decisions. Which I want to highlight something for you. You dealing with the outcomes of their decisions is actually and truly a product of you dealing with the outcome of your decision to agree and comply to their decision.

I want you to see how you create your own result here. If you agree and comply and don’t speak up when you hear something that’s strongly not aligned to what you believe but you’re afraid that you don’t want to speak over somebody else or value your opinion more than others, what will happen is you create this result of having to deal with the outcome of their decision.

So, no, you didn’t make the decision, but you also didn’t speak up and you complied with it. And the consequence of having to deal with parents who are angry about not putting the desks six feet apart or whatever is a product of your decision. Can you see that?

I want you to see this. I want you to take ownership. This is what empowerment is. It’s true ownership of your decisions. Even when you feel like you’re being victimized in the sense that your boss is telling you to do something you don’t want to do, and your belief that you don’t have control, you’re going to feel powerless. You’re going to comply. And you’re going to have to deal with the consequences that come with complying and following somebody else’s plan without input.

Now, on the other end, you turn the other way and you said, “Okay, I’m going to really honor my opinion. I’m going to validate it. I’m going to process it, acknowledge it, and I’m going to spend some time exploring why I think and believe the way I do.”

So just like you want to seek to understand why somebody else feels the way they do, you want to explore why you’re thinking and feeling the way you are. And I don’t want to get into politics here. But there is this political vibe going on where some people believe that people are making decisions out of political views over, perhaps, medical and professional data otherwise.

If you’re in that situation, you also need to look at your stance and is there a part of you who might be aligning to your own political views and values? It’s really hard to separate in your brain because it just feels like it’s the right thing and it’s super-true.

So, you have to be able – in order to honor and value your opinion, you have to also be honest about where it’s coming from. So, with that, when you decide to go there and take the time to question and value your opinion and kind of explore it a little bit, where is it coming from and how do I want to act on behalf of what I believe, you come to a sense of alignment.

You make a decision that your opinion is valid. You’re going to be aligned and committed to that decision, and then from there, you’re going to share your input, but you’re also going to do so by committing to all the things you can control in the situation, which isn’t everything. It’s not a lot of it, actually.

But you do have control over what you’re going to think, feel, and do in response. And the result of that action is feeling very grounded and aligned. It’s also the result includes being willing to deal with any consequence that comes with you aligning and valuing your opinion.

And there is no right or wrong way to go about this. There are going to be times when you decide that the best path for you, after all this work in your brain, is to align to the district 100%. There’s some things that you don’t agree with but you see where they’re going, you understand them, and you can get behind it, and you go for it.

And you just stand in that alignment, even though it’s not 100%. You might agree to agree. And then if you do that, you can’t wishy-washy back and forth or you’re going to be in a lot of mental and emotional suffering. So, if you decide, “I’m going to agree. I see where they’re coming from. It’s not 100% but I’m going for it,” then go for that and align to that and honor that.

Other times, you might feel completely neutral. You might be, “Yeah, I see my side, I value that, I value yours, but I don’t feel strongly one way or the other. I’m just going to go with the group and I feel fine about that. I feel pretty neutral, pretty cool.”

Other times, you’re going to acknowledge your opinion and you’re going to decide to agree with yourself over agreeing with others. And you’re going to have to take some courageous action from that aligned space. But let me promise you something. When you take the time to value your own opinion and you get very aligned with what you want to do and why you want to do it, you will be willing to handle and to take on any result, outcome, or consequence that comes your way.

I want you to really hear that. And you can see that happening in the world right now. It doesn’t mean when you feel aligned and you take action, that negative outcomes are not going to happen. It means that you’re choosing which outcomes you are willing to experience. For some of you, choosing to agree might be the path that works best for you.

For others, choosing to speak up and holding firm to your opinions will work best. Whatever way you go, just know that the way to feel empowered is to own the result, to acknowledge that whatever decision you make will have a result and that result, you created through your decision, regardless of which opinion you decide to honor.

What matters in the end is the value you place on your opinion of what you decide. So, whatever decision you make, what opinion do you have of that decision? Do you honor it or not? If not, you’ve got some more work to do.

You can look at anybody else’s opinion and see its value without agreeing to it. You can see its value and decide to agree with it. Or, you can look at your opinion and decide to agree with that.

People are doing this all over the world right now. They’re deciding that their opinion matters. They are committed and aligned to their opinion and they are taking action, knowing that some of the potential consequences may feel painful or may be not what they want. But they’re committed to their opinion over worrying about the pain that they might experience in the expression of that opinion.

Regardless of the opinion, learning how to value your own opinion is going to impact the level of control you believe you have, for yourself and the impact and influence you will have as a leader. And the more you can learn to acknowledge and value your opinion and answer your own questions and come up with your own solutions and express that, the stronger leader you will be, the more empowered leader that you will be.

I can’t think of a more powerful skillset, other than emotional resiliency, which is what happens – after you value your own opinion, you’re going to have to have the emotional resiliency that comes with valuing your opinion. But this is a powerhouse set of tools. Valuing your opinion, having the courage to act on it, and then managing and navigating the emotions that come with it.

We’re going to talk about that next month. But I want to leave you with this. Value your own opinion. Be willing to speak up, even when other people’s opinions of you might not feel good. Have a wonderful, empowered week. I love you guys. Talk to you next week. Take care. Bye.

Hey, principals, listen up. I’ve created a professional learning program for you and your team to build your capacity and lead your staff through the empowerment process. I’ve designed personalized growth experience for you and your school. You’ll learn how to apply the leadership triad to empower your staff and students.

This is the moment where the perfect time and opportunity meet. Education will never be the same and I have the tools to help you navigate the change. To learn more, sign up for a free consultation at angelakellycoaching.com/programs. I’ll see you on the inside.

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