Ep #105: When We Fail

Hello, Empowered Principals, welcome to episode 105.

Welcome to The Empowered Principal Podcast, a not-so-typical educational resource that will teach you how to gain control of your career and get emotionally fit to lead your school and your life with joy, by refining your most powerful tool: your mind. Here’s your host, Certified Life Coach, Angela Kelly Robeck.

Well, hello, my Empowered Principals. Happy New Year. I hope you had an amazing holiday. And now we’re celebrating the New Year, we’re welcoming it in. I can’t believe it. 2020 is here and on its way.

I want to talk to you very quickly about when we fail. Failing’s not an option. We know that as humans, we’re all going to fail, and we do our very best to trick ourselves into believing that we don’t want to fail, or we should avoid failing. So, let’s talk about when we fail, the truth that we actually fail, what we do with our fails, and how to get back on track.

So, I’ve been thinking about this a lot at the end of this year. I’ve been looking at 2019. Looking at all the actions I’ve taken, the emotional states I’ve been in, the thoughts I’ve been practicing thinking. And I’ve noticed I’ve had some huge successes and some major gains, but I’ve also had some big flops and some big failures.

And I want you to know that we all get off track. We all miss opportunities. We all have tried and failed this year. And we’ve all had times where we didn’t try, and then we feel the regret or disappointment in ourselves, that comes when we failed at doing something or not doing something.

So, I want to process what this is all about, at least from my perspective, and in my own work on this during the course of this year, and in reflecting on 2019 and trying to get a clear 2020 vision for the New Year. So, what’s happening and what’s going on? Why do we stick to some goals or habits, and not others?

And number one, the simple answer, and the complex answer, to this is that we just stopped believing. When we first started taking action towards an ideal career and lifestyle, we had a thought that we fully believed in. So, we had a thought. And we thought about that thought so much that it became integrated into our emotional state, and into our approach and the actions that we take.

So, we approach this part of our life from a place of belief. So, for example, when you believed that you could become a principal, and you could envision yourself being in the position. You could feel what it might feel like to be the boss, to be the leader, to become a principal at a site. You practiced thinking those thoughts and believing that, and feeling the emotional vibration that comes with the experience of being a principal.

And you believed it so much, and you thought about it so much, that you actually could feel the emotional state. And through the process of believing that thought, or that story, you became the person who actually created that result. And it felt great. You just became that person.

So then you get into the position, and over time, new situations come up. And they come along, and for some reason, they throw off our belief, somehow, some way. Sometimes it’s significant. And other times, it’s very subtle, and very sneaky, and very slight in the shift.

So, what I’ve noticed is that a shift will happen. And at the beginning, you might notice that you are taking a little bit different action, or that you’re not taking an action that you were committed to. And you think, “Oh, it’s just a busy week.” Or, “It’s just been a busy time of year.” Or, “It’s the end of the trimester. I’ll get back into my routine in a couple of weeks, no big deal.”

And you kind of blow it off and you think it’s not a big deal. And then, all of a sudden, you’re looking back and you’re thinking, “Oh my gosh, it’s been three months since I have been to the gym.” Or since I took a day off, or since I stopped working before six o’clock. Or, before I went to bed early, or I journaled, or I read a great book. Whatever it is that you really enjoyed about your life, or aspects that you felt successful in your life.

Some slight shift occurred. A lot of times, I see this with time. We think, like, oh, we’re a little bit busy right now, I’ll get back to that later. Or, oh, I just got thrown off routine, I’ll get back to my, you know, better eating habits next week, or next, you know, month, or whatever, right? And all of a sudden, it’s one month, two months, 10 months, 12 months, and now we’re looking at the year. We’re like, “Holy cow, how did that happen?”

And, why did I commit to a belief and believe in it, and actually got the results I wanted? And, what caused me to get off track? Or, why did I stop doing what I said I wanted to do? And we really start to notice it when our routine slips and our actions start to change. When we really notice it is when our results shift.

So, this is what happens. We had a belief system. It was working for us. We were doing the thing. Something in our situation occurred, and we somehow shifted our thought. We stopped believing in that actual thought that was getting us the result we liked. And our routine started to slip. And then our actions started to change. And our results started to shift as a result of that shifted thinking. Does that make sense?

And, when we notice this happening, we first avoid those results. Because we don’t want to experience the pain of looking at our shifted thinking, our shifted results, ahead of time. Like, seeing it and going, “Oh, ow.” Like, I created that I did that. That feels bad that we slipped back into an old habit. Or, we went back and, like, lost the results that we’ve gained.

So, when we do think about it, what happens at first, when we finally acknowledge it and take the time to acknowledge like, “Yes, I see that I’ve shifted in my thoughts.” Either you beat yourself up, or you think badly about yourself. Or, you just feel like you were the victim to the circumstances of your life. Something changed, and it wasn’t your fault. So, we kind of play around in this indulgence for a while.

But then, eventually, we hit a point where the pain of not having our desired result becomes more painful than to recommitting to it again. And this is where I call the moment of decision. We go through this cycle over and over again. We get a result, it maybe slips. We try it again.

It’s not that you’re doing something wrong, or that something bad is happening, or that you are a failure. It just means that you’re human. And, we hit this moment of decision, we have to look at the results. This is what they are. It doesn’t mean anything terrible about us, necessarily. But we have to re-decide.

Are we committed to believing the story that was working for us? Do we still want that goal, even? Are we still committed to that goal? And we hit this point where it’s time to call it out for what it is. Look at it with a neutral standpoint, and then make a decision. And when you re-decide and reconnect with what feels like love, then you can get back on track.

That is when we fully and finally renew our commitment, and connect back to our why. And you have to be really honest with yourself. You could have been very committed to a certain goal at a particular time in your life, and you were going for it and it was working great for you. And now, you’re looking back thinking, like, “Why am I not thinking like that?”

Well, maybe you’ve decided that that’s no longer a priority. That’s an okay decision to make, as long as you put it to rest. But when you look at it, and you think “Gosh, I used to be 150 pounds, and now I’m 170 pounds. But I’m not working out as much because I’m working longer hours.” You have to decide, like, are you okay with that extra 20 pounds, so that you can work longer hours and be committed to work? Or, do you feel like you need to lose those 20 pounds, so that you can feel like a better leader, so you can show up more energized?

There’s no wrong decision. You just have to decide what the priority is now, in this moment, and recommit to that. If you are a school leader who started the year, perhaps you were like, getting into classrooms and connecting with people, and then the school year got busy. And it came along, and you started getting bombarded with meetings and appointments and interruptions. And then all of a sudden, you’re realizing, you feel disconnected with your staff.

You have to look back and say, like, what’s my priority? Is my priority getting to these meetings and handling things in that way? Or, do I want to scale back on the meetings and really get back and connect with my staff?

We all do this, you guys. And guess what? It’s all okay. Nothing has gone wrong. It’s just the journey. There are going to be highs and lows, and peaks and valleys. Turning your eye away from the truth of your thoughts and your actions does not make you feel better. Okay? It actually makes you feel worse. You agonize over and over, again and again. You replay it in your mind, because what happens is that it feels like misalignment. And you can’t ultimately hide from what is true for you.

So, if you’re looking back at the end of this year, 2019, and you’re feeling like you failed, or you’ve lost your way, you’re not alone. You’re exactly where you need to be. Just notice what happened. Notice the shift in the thinking. Notice if you’re still committed and connected to that goal, to that decision, to that habit, routine, lifestyle. Remind yourself of why you want this. And just notice it, and make a decision, and make a commitment.

You either are going to decide it’s no longer a priority, or you’re going to decide that it is. And you’re going to take action every single day, one day at a time. And you’ll still fail sometimes.

If your goal is to journal every night before you go to bed, you’re not going to make it 365 days. You might, and that would be amazing. But let’s say you hit 300 of those days. Are you going to throw out the goal because you only did 300 versus 365? No. You’re going to recommit. You’re going to try and get to 320 or 350, or whatever.

So, what you have to do is, once you’ve decided and re committed and if you do really want that habit or that goal, or that lifestyle, then you need to write down everything about that, that will be amazing. The why you want it. How it felt to have it. Why you want it again. And then you become that person who has it now.

You’re going to become the person who goes to bed at 9:00 and journals, and wakes up feeling amazing. Or, you’re going to be the person who commits to reading her favorite books this year. Or, you’re going to be the woman who gets up and takes an early morning walk, or goes to yoga, or gets in a workout today.

Or, you’re going to be the mom who comes home, and is very present with her kids before they go to bed. Even though you’re a school principal, you’re going to recommit to being a great mom and a great leader. You’re going to be the leader who commits to connection over busy-ness.

And I can share with you guys, I’ve done my own work on this process this year, and I deeply know the feeling. I’m feeling it too. I understand. I know the pain of saying that you want something and then taking a bunch of actions that aren’t fully in alignment and throws you off course, right?

I’ve, too, avoided looking at my results, thinking that I would feel better by not looking at them. I’m telling you, it doesn’t work. I’m realigning myself to be in my full integrity, and just show up for myself, and to accomplish the things I want, so that my future self can thank my today self.

I’m still going to fail. I recognize that. But I’m going to recommit. I’m going to reevaluate, recommit and re-decide to be that person I want to be. To be the coach I want to be. To be the businesswoman I want to be. To be the coach that evolves education by changing the way we think and feel about our jobs in education. That’s who I want to be.

And, I’ve committed in so many ways, and I failed in so many ways, and they’re both okay. And I want to tell you, I can help you do the same. If you’re a person who’s feeling stuck, or you feel like you’ve got off track, or you don’t know how to deal with failure, you don’t know how to understand and process the emotion of failure, I can help you.

Sign up today to receive private, personalized coaching from a Certified Life Coach who understands the tools and strategies to get you back on track. We’ll have a free consult call. We’ll make some decisions about what it is you want. And we’ll get a plan to get you on your way. I can help you achieve whatever it is that you desire.

Have an amazing New Year’s. I love you guys, and I’ll see you in 2020. Take care. Bye-bye.

Hey there, my fellow educator. Are you yearning to go a little further with these concepts and learn how to apply them in your everyday work situations? Do you want to feel understood and more connected with likeminded school leaders? If so, I’m super excited to offer you, for the very first time ever, the Empowered Principal Mastermind.

It’s a safe space where we can talk about the real issues that you face on a daily basis and support you in evolving your leadership and your life to the next level. For more information, simply go to angelakellycoaching.com and click on, “EP Mastermind.” We start this January. I can’t wait to see you on the inside.

Thanks for listening to this episode of The Empowered Principal Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode and want to learn more, please visit www.angelakellycoaching.com where you can sign up for weekly updates and learn more about the tools that will help you become an emotionally fit school leader.