Ep #13: The Desire to Quit the Job

Welcome to The Empowered Principle Podcast, a not so typical, educational resource that will teach you how to gain control of your career and get emotionally fit to lead your school and your life with joy, by refining your most powerful tool: your mind. Here’s your host, certified life coach, Angela Kelly Robeck.

Hello, Empowered Principals. How is it going, you guys? How are you this week? I am so, so good. I have been on fire with my work these past few weeks. I cannot seem to stop myself. I am creating content, working on my book and I’ve really been digging into learning new technology to help me expedite and be more efficient with my work-week.

It has been so fun and so exciting that the time seems to fly by. You guys, I never resist Mondays anymore. Today is Monday – I have been working all day. I actually really look forward to Mondays now. Does that sound obscene to you?

Seriously, I love it so much. The week goes by so fast. Friday is here before I know it and I’m all, “What – it’s Friday? What the heck? Where did the week go?” And even in moments where I’m thinking, “Oh this is a drag. I’m really struggling to learn this application or price of technology,” and I don’t want to dig in and do it, I stop and think about my former life. And that, so quickly, snaps me right into gratitude.

You see, I would much rather be doing the things I think are a drag once in a while for my own business, rather than working for somebody else. I’d rather be doing hard work for me than hard work for somebody else because let’s face it, work can be a challenge. It can be a drag. It can be hard, no matter what you’re doing. So decide – we’re going to talk about this today.

I love working for those I love. And now, my efforts are directly aimed at all of you, who I love; my clients, my listeners and followers, my family, my friends, and myself. This is truly a labor of love. I have such a deep respect for all teacher, instructional aides, support staff, coaches, principals, district administrators. Everyone who works in the field of education puts so much value out into the world every single day.

You guys, the job is so demanding. And if you are listening and you’re not in the field of education, I’m guessing that you have some level of respect for the work that these people do all day long. This job is so public in nature. Education seems to be this institution that most human beings have experienced to some capacity.

People love to analyze, criticize and offer their opinions about how to do our work. It’s so funny to me. I can look at it now with fascination and kind of curiosity, but when I was in it, I was really shocked at how everyone thought they knew how to do the job better than me, or they had the best idea; they had the million-dollar answer, right. It’s interesting.

The public thinks that they can comment on how to do education all day long, but they don’t do that with doctors. They might – you might see people criticizing a doctor or maybe healthcare in general or insurance or benefits and all those things, but I’m talking about their day-to-day work. You don’t see politicians talking about how doctors should do a better or faster job or get higher scores or whatever, like they do in education, right.

People don’t stop and say, “Oh I could just step in and do that job better than you are.” But for some reason, educators, they’re open to complete judgment and commentary. It’s an interesting topic.

So, this brings me to the conversation of the day. And I’m titling this, The Desire to Quit the Job. And the reason I title this is because this seems to be the time of year that we want to throw in the towel and turn in our resignation. We’re wearing down, our staff is getting tired, we’re getting tired, the kids are getting tired.

They’ve been putting in all this effort all year long, but it’s still somewhat of a reach, right. I’m guessing, at this point, you guys are starting to talk about staffing for next year. Your eyes are already set on next year when the teacher’s eyes are trying to wind down the year. Your brain is wrapped around getting in gear for next year already. And, not to mention, we’re all looking forward to summer.

You guys are looking forward to summer. Parents are starting to freak-out about summer and who their child’s teacher is going to be, what the kids are going to do all summer, which programs they’re going to be in. everyone starts to lose their cool just a little bit. So I know it can be a brutal time of year on a principal.

So today, I want to explore what’s happening in our minds when we think, “I want to quit.” And I want to see if quitting is actually the right call for you. So, last week, I shared with you that each of us has two selves within us; our essential self and our social self. Our essential self is the part of us that was created before we were born and is the very existence of who we are and who we desire to become.

Our social self is the part of us that was developed once we were born. It was shaped and molded based on feedback from our environment and all of those people around us, right. So it’s how we learn all of the skills necessary to accomplish the goals that our essential self craves. And last week, we talked about how we want to step in and hear that voice and listen to the voice of our essential self so that you can put her in charge, right.

So, for those of you who tried out this strategy that I recommended last week of stop doing, and you spent some time creating and playing and daydreaming your version of what an ideal day would look like for you, you may have found your essential self demanding to quit this life-sucking job this minute or else she’s going to bring on the worst case of flu ever. This, oftentimes, happens to people when they finally stop doing and they start listening to what their essential self has to say.

We find ourselves in this situation where our essential selves are actually starting to tantrum because most of us stuff down those deepest desires. We’ve learned that from our environment, which is just the people around us, that our dreams aren’t realistic or they’re not practical or they’re not possible. And our social self is taught that we must follow-suit, do the right thing and work at a job that’s already out there, created and available in the world.

Which is usually what? Corporate monster where you work these massive hours so you can get a paycheck and some benefits, only to realize that all you are doing is working to pay for a house you’re never in or planning vacations that you rarely get to take.

So, when you stop and allow your essential self to be on the main stage for a change, she’s going to want her way right away. You’ve unleashed the beast, but in a good way, guys, in a good way. She’ll most likely want to quit immediately and run away to the Mexican Caribbean with nothing more than a sombrero and a shot-glass. She has waited for decades to have some fun, so who can blame her?

But do not pick up the maracas just yet. Remember back to the podcast where we talked about Inaction, reaction, or planned action? Jumping ship before you cleaned up your thinking will only land you on the other side of the fence – or in this case, the wall. I had to, sorry. My brain is on Mexico; we’re trying to plan a trip to Mexico with my son and his girlfriend and I have been researching Mexico. So my entire podcast will be referring to Mexico. Just bear with me.

So, if you haven’t done the emotional fitness training and you react from an emotional state of hating the job because you believe it’s the job that’s causing your pain – and you know that’s not the case, it’s your thinking about the job that creates the disdain for it. But what you’ll find is that you’ll find quick joy in a moment, which is what reacting to something is all about. It’s that instant gratification in which you get this quick hit of joy.

But that joy doesn’t last. When you choose to react and choose to buy into this instant gratification, then you are going for this quick hit. And that’s where the saying, the grass is not always greener, comes from. So once the excitement of quitting the job wears off, your social self – it starts to panic about how she’s going to pay the bills and she’s going to give your essential self a stern talking to because she’s going to be freaking out about the how.

Social self freaks out about the how, essential self just wants to be in the now, right. That’s a good saying – she wants to be in the how, she wants to do it now. So what happens is that you trade one kind of stress for another because you still believe that it’s the situation you’re in that’s causing your negative emotions versus the way you’re thinking about that situation.

You guys all know somebody who gets in a situation, they’re unhappy, they jump ship. They try something else, they’re still unhappy, jump ship, try something else. That’s because what they believe is that their situation is the problem. Not the way they’re thinking about it or feeling about it, but that it’s the situation itself that’s the problem. You all know someone like this; perhaps you are one of them.

And I know because I used to think that if I just changed my circumstances or my situation, then I would be so much happier and life would be great. But on the other hand, if your essential self is all fired up and she’s ready to quit because she knows there’s a way and she thinks that you can have fun while paying your bills, but your social self is still the boss and in charge, you might find yourself stuck in inaction.

So when we’re unhappy with our jobs, our brain wants to create a list of pros and cons. It wants to try and make decisions of staying in the job or quitting the job from our head. And the issue you run into with this pro-con list is that it stalls you in indecision. Your brain thinks up both the pro thoughts and the con thoughts, which are opposing thoughts by nature.

And this creates cognitive dissonance which then creates feelings of confusion, overwhelm and indecisiveness. You say things like, “I don’t know what to do. I want to leave, but I need to stay.” So when you don’t have a plan and you are indecisive, the brain, which wants efficiency and comfort, will default to the status quo. And this is where many of us land.

We keep doing what we’re doing because although we’re not truly happy, we rationalize that at least we’re paying the bills and we have good insurance. It’s what we know already works and this is very comforting to ourselves and to our brain. The brain doesn’t want to have to think of creative ways to live both happily and live financially abundant. So the social self, it thrives on predictability and conformity.

And what happens is that the brain wants efficiency and safety, the social self thrives on this predictability and conformity and it means two against one. It means the essential self loses.

So, how do we know if we’re making a decision – the decision – the quit from an emotionally fit state? How do we know the difference if we are simply going through a rough patch or if we are truly meant to change course. And I think our brain also asks this question, “Does like have to be all or none, black or white? Can we have our burrito and eat it too?”

The answer is absolutely yes, and here’s how. You create a plan based on the alignment of your two selves. I have coaches – different coaches in my life – I have coaches that are very brain and thought work oriented and I have other coaches that are very essential self and very feeling driven. And what I want to suggest is that these two components – these two parts of you – work together and that they are in mutual agreement and in alignment. And that is where you catapult into the life you were meant to live and the best life possible; life beyond your imagination because you can’t believe the energy that occurs when your two selves align.

So may I suggest that before you make any moves, you take time to drop into your feelings and do thought work from a place of alignment? Your essential self wants to live from this place of authenticity, transparency, and openness. She is willing to take risks, experience fear and commit to the hard work when she feels that authentic connection to her truest desires. And you do this – you get connected – by not doing.

Stop taking action for the sake of taking action and feel the vibrations all over your body. And you think this sounds like fluff – it is the opposite of fluff. Being willing to feel intense emotions is so uncomfortable; it is not easy. When you let yourself feel the pain of living a life where you really aren’t happy and you let yourself daydream of how good it would feel to do what you really loved, you start to stop controlling your life from a place of scarcity and you start building your life based on abundance.

You guys, your emotions do not lie. Your brain can think thoughts that try to convince you you’re happy, but the emotions in your body will tell you the truth of whether you are happy or not. You can override with thinking for so long before the body will start to tell you its truth in the form of illness, forgetfulness, bouts of sadness or depression or angry outburst. It finds its way to tell the truth through emotion whether you’re listening or not.

The way you tap into this essential self without scaring your social self is by thinking of all the fun things. Start with that. So if money and medical insurance was not a factor, if nothing else mattered – you didn’t have to pay your bills, it didn’t matter how much money you made, it didn’t matter what location you lived in – what would you do with your day? How would you go out and play in the world? Who would you spend your time with? What would you go do? What would you eat? How would it feel to actually go to the bathroom on your own schedule, people? Teachers, you know what I’m talking about.

So dream big. Go to the bathroom whenever you want. But I want you to feel how it would feel to live a life by your own rules right now. You can feel what that would feel like today in this moment because thinking about that lifestyle brings you to feeling and it is from this place that you tap into your social self’s ability to take plan and to take action.

You want to create action steps from a place of feeling and believing that it is possible to have what you want and you can feel like you already have it. So once you’re willing to listen to your emotions and allow them to have a say in what type of life you want to create for yourself, your social self is going to push back and she wants to know that hey, if you’re going to make a change, you’d better have a plan.

Your social self is going to put the brakes on anytime she senses danger. And those types of dangers, things like not having a source of income, letting go of company perks, having colleagues question your dreams of – let’s say you want to run off to Cozumel and bartend for the rest of your life. I don’t know what your truest dreams are; only your essential self does.

But know this, when your essential self has been heard and your social self is allowed to come up with a plan of how to get there and the two of them are working in alignment, your social self will be willing to do the work and face her fears and commit to the dream if she’s allowed to make that plan that incorporates some safety nets.

So, you want to dream big, feel the feelings and then allow your social self to come up with a plan that will get you there. I want you to understand, the key is to see that it’s not your job that’s making you unhappy. I know I’m saying this a million times, but we slide into the belief system that it’s our circumstances creating our feelings. But you know – you know on a cognitive level – that your thoughts about the job are what’s creating the feelings.

And I know it is so hard to see this and believe it when you’re in it. It feels like if you could just leave the job or anything else that’s bothering you, a marriage, a relationship, your family, whatever is bothering you – it seems like if it would just go away that everything would be better. But remember this – I want you to look at it this way – if it actually was just the job that was the problem, then every principal out in the world would be miserable and want to quit.

Think about it, there are actually people who are principals and do not feel the stress you’re feeling. They feel amazing. They love coming to work. They understand that people, on occasion, are going to be unhappy with them and they take this in stride. They show up most days with excitement and passion. They want to improve their schools and they want to work hard.

And yes, they probably have some bad days, but at the end, when they think about what it is they’re called to do, they can’t imagine doing anything else. You might be one of those principals. You actually might feel drawn to the profession, but the reality of the job as it currently stands is not congruent with your expectations of what you think the job should be. If this is your experience, you can learn how to manage your thinking in order to feel the way you want to feel about your job.

Coaching can help you with that. it can help you align your blueprint – the way you think the job should be – with the way the job actually is and you can experience feeling better about the work you do. If, however, this is not your experience and you sense that things just seem to consistently be – you feel lost, things seem off track, then it is time to get into your body and feel. You cannot think your way to a better life. You must feel your way to a better life. You don’t create a great life with your head; you create it with your soul. You have to feel your way there. There is no way around this, people. I’m sorry for those who love to be in their heads; it doesn’t work.

We’ll talk more about how to dip into those feelings, but I want you to understand, thoughts cause feelings, feelings create your approach and your approach is your results. But I want you to understand that you have to align what you truly want and you have to even know what you truly want in order for your social self to put in the tasks and take the massive action that’s required to get there. So feeling it before you have it is a great way to get started.

So write down your ideas for what an ideal work-day would look like, stop doing for the sake of doing, stop taking action just to feel like you’re being busy and productive and drop into your body.

Alright, my Empowered Principals, I want you to practice feeling this week. And I want you to try on the feeling of amazing and see how it feels; check it out. Decide to feel amazing and think about what thoughts you would have to think in order to feel amazing and see if you can feel amazing, alright. I feel amazing. I’m feeling good. I hope you are too. I will talk with you guys next week. Have an empowered week, my friends, talk to you then, bye.

Hey, if you love this podcast and want more, check out my website at angelakellycoaching.com and sign up for my weekly newsletter. Don’t worry, it’s a short one. I hate reading long emails and I won’t take up much of your time. But I do love to share with all of you all that’s going on, my random thoughts on education and the fun life at the beach. So join me on my newsletter at angelakellycoaching.com. You just sign up, pop in your newsletter and it comes to you every week. Have a wonderful week, my friends, talk to you then; bye.

Thanks for listening to this episode of The Empowered Principle Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode and want to learn more, please visit www.angelacoaching.com where you can sign up for weekly updates and learn more about the tools that will help you become an emotionally fit school leader.